Today, I want to share an extract from my journal from November 2010. To put it into context, I am no longer in that place, thank God. After three years of living with my daughter, I have finally come out the other side. When I first escaped from my abusive ex, I was still having terrible panic attacks because I had been broken down to a place I never thought I could go to.
It has taken a long time, but gradually, thanks to my daughter’s kind, patient and loving nature, these feelings have subsided and I have kept my promise to myself that I will focus on my recovery this year and will never allow myself to be treated so badly ever again. I know it has taken a long time, but it really is worth it because I have ‘felt the fear’ and ‘dread of life’ subside. Now I have hope again when I wake up every morning and can look forward, even to the smallest things in life. Fun and laughter now come naturally. I no longer have to hide myself away from life to escape all of that misery any more.
I have regained my ‘inner strength’. The only caviat to this is the old saying – ‘You can’t go around it, you have to go through it.’ This is so true and the results have allowed me to see things as they really are and not as my ex-partner wanted me to see them. In short, I am now in a good, safe place.
In this journal extract, I talk a little bit about bulimia which I suffered from. In a previous blog post “Misogyny and Control”, I spoke about how my ex-partner’s fat-shaming of all women was a trigger for my bulimia, but it was also a coping mechanism. Bulimia had haunted me for many years, getting worse and worse the longer I stayed with my ex-partner. Now it has completely gone, which I know is a direct result of living with my eldest daughter and the fact that I no longer suffer from all the stress I was living through trying to teach all day and then go home to be abused each evening, trying so hard to hold everything together.
Sunday 7th November, 2010
I have a constant fear of the worst thing happening. I have learnt that the bomb can always drop at any time and now I just wait for it and it always does in the end. The waiting is horrible. I’m frightened all the time.
The feeling that I’m not good enough is reinforced when my partner shouts at me. When everything builds up it makes me feel like vomiting. He either shouts and undermines me or ignores me completely unless he wants something which always involves my money. I swallow my feelings down and withdraw, but sooner or later I will be overwhelmed and I will vomit them out. It’s horrible. I can’t escape. I wish I could just feel good about things, not bad all the time.
The bad feelings are lasting longer and longer. The nightmares I’m having are becoming more common and vivid all the time. I want to look forward but I can only look back because I’m trapped here. Whenever I sleep my dreams are haunted. Always bad – always so frightening. I never feel safe.
How long can this go on for? I’m so frightened all the time. I just want it all to stop. Deep deep down, I now believe that I don’t deserve to be happy. I deserve to be tortured because I’m not perfect.
If you are in a situation like this and your intuition is telling you to escape, please get out for your own well-being. This is YOUR life and does not belong to a monster who tortures your every waking moment!
As my ‘Song of the Week’ says, please don’t lie to yourself and spend years hoping that he/ she will change. This is impossible, because Narcissists and Sociopaths have personality disorders. They have no maturity and will NEVER move beyond a place of cruelty towards you, who they should see as their best friend. Please don’t spend the best years of your life with this person. They will just repeat the same pattern over and over again.
There is no hope for them, but there is so much hope for you if you can escape and start to rebuild your self-worth and take back your life again!
Next post will be published on Wednesday 17th April!
Drag Me Down Blog 