Today I want to address the feelings/ emotions that many of you are going through right now and those of which I am, unfortunately, very familiar with. I want to show you that I have been in that dark place and that I understand exactly what you may be going through right now.
When I started this blog, I felt utterly alone in my pain and wanted to reach out and perhaps find others who ‘have’ OR ‘had’ been in that terribly lonely place. I remember thinking that if even only one person felt the same or had experienced this terrible pain, then I would perhaps be able to find support and also support others going through similar trials in their lives. Now I realise that not only was I not alone, but that there were so many victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse, that there is a whole community of people worldwide out there who have been in that terrible place. The relief of understanding that I had not brought this upon myself was quite a shock.
I was deliberately targeted and chosen for the very qualities which the Narcissist seeks out so very cleverly because of their jealousy of you that they simply want to destroy you. This is because being devoid of these qualities, the Narcissist makes it their mission to destroy your nature and, in return obtain control, domination and ultimate power over you. Their principal motive is to eradicate the qualities which they at first, very deviously “pretended” to love so, so much about you. In the process of doing this, it leads the Narcissist to obtain their own validation and feeds their extremely sadistic nature by destroying you.
As many of you will have previously read in this blog, I spent a very long and incredibly painful relationship with my abuser, always hoping that one day, maybe one day, things would change and he would love me again. This of course never happens. Your life simply becomes more and more shut down, depressing and so dysfunctional that you try to ‘normalize’ what is being done to you so that you can just carry on and keep going.
I tried, oh how I tried, to make things work through those long dark 15 years. This led to my eventual downfall. I simply wanted everything to just stop. I had nothing left to give and ended up just not wanting to exist any more. I had no self-worth, self-esteem or value left, and felt so terribly alone that I simply wanted to die.
The Narcissist will continually tell you how much they love you, whilst twisting the knife into you. They will lie, cheat, demand more and more, neglect and constantly dominate and criticise you to achieve their goal of destroying everything inside you. They are very devious and clever as they constantly ‘gaslight’, cheat and lie to you, so that you have no energy left to take care of, or love yourself any more. You feel hollowed out inside and that you have nothing of value to offer and no place in the world any longer.
For me, this led to clinical depression, constant anxiety and inevitable suicidal ideation in order to escape the terrible feelings with which I was consumed.
It is horrendous to me to now look back and remember that I actually seriously wanted to have a ‘lobotomy’. This procedure involves removing part of the frontal lobe of your brain, rendering you placid, docile and indifferent to ‘feeling’ your own emotions. It is now illegal in many countries because it is considered a barbaric treatment for poor mental health and leaves you devoid of any emotions. This is, of course, the reason I so wanted it to be done to me, because at the time I spent every day in so much pain that it was like waking up to a new hell every morning. I was a teacher and never once shared these thoughts with anyone, as I knew they were so terrible that no one would understand or want to hear them. Instead, I put on a ‘front’ which was bubbly, competent, and always upbeat which was absolutely exhausting. When home I spent my time in bed and alone, to simply avoid constant criticism and mental torture. My spirit was broken and I finally had to be signed off work because I had hit a ‘brick wall’ which left me exhausted and utterly hopeless.
I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and after only one week, several counseling sessions, talking with my consultant psychiatrist and freedom from the constant abuse, they helped me to understand it was my relationship with my abusive partner which was responsible for my extremely poor mental health. They said they wanted to send me home, but their main concern was what I was going home to! They continued to counsel me at home online and always stressed that I needed to be ALONE, that I was SAFE and that my partner was NOT in the house. I was on strong anti-depressants and medication for anxiety.
Covid had become a danger to the entire population of the world around this time and the Pandemic eventually led to the development of the Covid vaccine which everyone was advised to take to prevent more deaths. Much of the working population were sent to work from home ‘remotely’.
Later that year, my eldest daughter came to stay and work from my house for a short time. However, after a few weeks, she said that she had witnessed so much of his terrible behaviour towards me that she wanted to help me escape from him. She also added that after only a few weeks of living there, it was beginning to affect her own mental well being. So you can only imagine what 15 years of this horrendous conditioning had done to me and my mental health. I told my then partner that I needed a break and to go and live with my daughter for a while. We organised an apartment together and I took whatever belongings I could fit into my car and left. It took months before I stopped ‘jumping’ every time my daughter came into the room, but slowly I began to realise that she wasn’t going to shout at me or make me feel bad about myself. This was a slow, dawning revelation to me and gave me space and time to attempt to process what I had been going through for so very long.
Unfortunately, after a few months, I accidentally fell 50 feet from the balcony of our fourth floor apartment and was so close to death that the doctors took my daughter to an emergency side room and told her to remind me that she loved me and to say goodbye.
I DID survive that fall however. I spent a long 6 months in hospital and had several near death experiences whilst I was there. Not only did I survive but I thrived, and my daughter was there for me every step of the way. I can only imagine the hell she went through, not knowing if I would be paralyzed, incontinent or brain damaged. But she never gave up on me. My partner did however. He barely came to visit and when he did, I knew he wanted to be somewhere else. When I left hospital I was living with my daughter for a short time before being admitted to the National Rehabilitation Hospital because I could barely walk by that point.
It was only on the anniversary of my dear mother’s death, just a week before Christmas, that my ex-partner decided to tell me that he had a new partner, which I found particularly cruel. He is now living in the house we jointly own with his new ‘supply’ and thought I would just hand it over to him for a ‘paltry’ amount so they could continue to enjoy my lovely home whilst constantly refusing me access to it and he would then own everything.
No! That’s not how it’s going to go. I have come a LONG way since then. I am going to the gym (following my sports physio’s programme) 4 times a week and am walking around the apartment unaided. I have fought hard to get both my mental and physical strength back and, thanks to my daughters unconditional love, patience and support, I have finally found myself again.
It has taken a long 3 years since I left my own private hell to achieve this and I would NEVER go back again!
When I think of those months when all I wanted was a ‘lobotomy’ to numb the terrible pain I was going through whilst living with my Narcissist, I can’t believe that I just wanted to feel nothing. If I had been lobotomised, I wouldn’t have been capable of any of the wonderful positive feelings which have gradually, but definitely, returned. I would never again have had the ability to enjoy all the wonderful gifts that life brings us every single day, never have felt simple happiness again. Just numbness, only numbness.
I know that you may feel that you are possibly in that place right now. But believe me, if you can hang on to something or someone who brings love and laughter into your life again, then you will feel so much better and stronger than you ever felt before.
Both body and mind can heal from anything. We just have to give them time and hope, hope, hope and it WILL happen. I promise you. ❤️
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