I love You, But Deep Down I Hate You…

So, when my ex-partner (narc) and I first got together, I remember he said to me:-

 “I’m going to love you the way you’ve always deserved to be loved.” 

Knowing what I do now, what he actually meant was:-

“ I’m going to hate you the way you’ve always deserved to be hated.”

Hindsight is a great thing, but that’s why it’s so easy to see the truth when you look back. When you are being ‘love-bombed’ and ‘gaslit’ from the beginning, you obviously don’t realise that every word that comes out of their mouths very probably means the exact opposite. If you did, you would run a mile. Unfortunately, this is a very clever tactic which almost always works for them at the beginning of each new relationship. 

This bond is not deep and meaningful for them however. It matters not, that you may be the best thing that will ever happen to them. They are simply not capable of feeling deeper, more meaningful true love. They can only ‘feign’ what they think they should say and do to fool you into believing that they really feel these more complex emotions. 

Don’t be fooled by their early apologies and ‘gaslighting’ when you point out the pain they are causing you once their ‘devaluation’ phase begins. Believe me, when I say that I have been there and done that. No matter what I said, did or tried, it never worked. This is ‘your’ tragedy because you waste so much of your precious time and energy trying to ‘help’ them to understand the consequences of their behaviour that you lose sight of yourself. This is ‘their’ tragedy also, however. Their shallow natures never allow them to learn from experience or mature. So you are basically always dealing with a spoilt toddler in a man’s body. 

Once you can finally take no more of this punishment and find a way to escape from their hold over you, you ‘will’ learn from this experience and your brain will be alerted to all the ‘red flags’ you never saw initially. Luckily for you, this does not mean that you will be ‘jaded’ or a ‘man / woman-hater’ for the rest of your life. You will simply be able to see things as they really are and those ‘rose-tinted spectacles’ you were wearing will finally be gone forever. You will still retain your empathy, kindness, inherent goodness, love and compassion for others. These are great gifts which the Narcissist can only ever dream of because they are lost to him/ her forever. 

Ever heard the saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it”? Well, the Narcissist is like a spoilt child who won’t stop tinkering and trying to make their favourite toy better. Inevitably, they will break it, when it was already perfect how it was. They may break your spirit, but they can never take your beautiful soul away from you. My spirit was broken over and over again by my ex (narc) but it has now returned, stronger than ever. 

Remember that you are on ‘your’ schedule now, NOT theirs any longer. This may take time. Allow yourself as long as you need to heal from the terrible trauma you have endured throughout this relationship. But heal you will! I promise! Your mental and physical health are so very precious. 

At first, they will only begin to return very gradually, but as time goes on, you will begin to see things in a brand new, more positive light. Protect and nurture your mental and physical health and they will grow from tiny seeds of hope into blossoming flowers in full bloom. 

Be kind and very patient with yourself. This WILL happen, but because it may have been so long since you allowed your instinct, intuition and self-love to work for you (in my case 15 years), it may simply take a long time for them to come back. But ‘come back’ they will! You will eventually feel stronger and healthier than ever before. You will then see every new day as a blessing and you will be wide awake to all of the wonderful joys in life which have been denied to you for so long. 

All of this is ‘THEIR’ tragedy. Don’t allow it to be yours by staying any longer once this realization finally hits you. 

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‘The Devil’ and ‘My Saviour’

Following on from my post on Wednesday about our intuition and how it will help you to know when someone is a Narcissist.

This is one of those times when I have had to revisit the most traumatic events in my life and how I knew (even when I was teetering on the brink of life and death) that my ex-partner was a true example of a Narcissist.

If you read my previous blog posts, you will know that I had a near-fatal 50ft fall in May 2022, which left me with life-threatening and life-changing injuries. 

On that night, my eldest daughter who was 34 followed the ambulance in a Garda car to the emergency room of the hospital where a whole team immediately started working on me to try and save my life. She didn’t know who else to call, so she rang my partner in a state of shock. 

He immediately started shouting at her, asking her how she could let this happen. He then proceeded to turn up very quickly at the hospital emergency room and began trying to kick the doors in. He was screaming and shouting obscenities. 

By this time, my daughter was inside while a whole team of doctors, nurses and surgeons were desperately trying to save me. She later told me that she could hear the commotion outside and knew it was him. She went out to him and told him to calm down and that they were working on me to save me at that very moment. 

She then went to the staff on duty and said that if he continued to act in this manner, they should call the Guards (Irish Police) and have him forcibly removed if necessary. 

She came out about 10 minutes later and he was standing against the wall with his arms crossed saying nothing. 

After this, she was asked to come to me and say goodbye as I had a major internal bleed which they couldn’t find. This was when they were forced to get the ‘rib-spreaders’ out in surgery. After about an hour, they came back out to her and told her that they had found it. She was incredibly relieved as, at this point, she had thought that I was going to die that night. 

I had fallen and landed on my feet, breaking both legs, smashing my pelvis and separating it from my spine. However, I think my dear mum was watching over me that night because my spinal cord remained intact and I had not landed on my head, which would have been the end for me. 

After the hospital had put metal rods down both my femurs and sewn me up from all the wounds I had, they sent me to the Mater Hospital in Dublin where I was in a coma for three weeks. They reattached my pelvis to my spine with metal and had kept a close eye on my brain because I had banged my head as I fell and suffered a stroke. 

I was on a ventilator throughout this time as I was unable to even breathe for myself. 

My youngest daughter immediately came back from Manchester where she works and was there by my side. 

During this time my Narcissist partner came to see me twice. I was in ICU and he removed his face mask (COVID was still a threat at this time) and kissed me on the lips. As I was extremely vulnerable and still close to death at this point, my eldest daughter told him he should not have done that because of the threat it could be to my life. An argument immediately followed where he insisted he wasn’t in the wrong and was entitled to do as he wanted, as per usual. This was all going on while I was helpless and unable to defend myself. 

Looking back now, I can see that my now ex-partner would have relished the opportunity of ‘playing’ the grieving partner. This changed however, when I began breathing for myself again and gradually, slowly began to improve. 

My eldest daughter was by my side every single day, playing music to me, reading me books and massaging my arms and legs. She believed that these things can help someone in a coma to come back from their unconscious state. Well, it worked! 

You may have noticed that on the night of my accident and afterwards my then partner never once asked about me or offered my daughter a kind or comforting word. After all, this was about him and his feelings, no one else. 

It took a long time, but very gradually I slowly came around to myself and once I started to improve, he showed little or no interest in coming to see me. My daughter had to ‘beg’ him on many occasions to come in and see me because I was asking for him. 

When he did come, even though I was still deathly ill, he would physically ‘bristle’ when I held my arms out for a hug. I could ‘feel’ that he didn’t want to be anywhere near me and he never once said anything to reassure me or show that he cared. This is, as I said in my last post, because the Narcissist ‘hates’ being around sick people or those who are in pain, either physically or mentally. 

My Narcissist was only interested in me when he thought I was going to die so that he could ‘feign’ concern as the grieving partner. 

He visited me a handful of times for the 6 long months I then spent in hospital improving. 

Eventually, I gave up hoping that he cared and my darling daughter was by my side every moment. She saw me through so many operations, sepsis and pneumonia and this must have been massively traumatizing to her. She never knew if I would be brain-damaged or severely mentally or physically disabled after my fall, but because she has great compassion and empathy, she never left my side. It must have been so terrible for her, all of that ‘not knowing’. 

My ex-partner never once gave her a moment’s support. This was no longer just about him remember? Therefore, he wanted to distance himself from the whole thing, distance himself from having to ‘pretend’ to care or show ‘fake’ concern for me or my daughter. 

This is true Narcissistic, selfish behaviour which is at its height when they are most needed. 

After a few months, I stopped hoping to see him, but lived for the moments when my daughter was there, right by my side because she really DID care and showed great compassion every single day. She constantly tried to reassure me and revealed such a depth of love that I never thought possible. 

The final visit my ex-partner made to see me was with a moment’s notice that he was in the garage down the road and he would pop in to see me. 

This is when he told me that he no longer found me attractive and didn’t love me. I had pneumonia at the time but never mentioned it to him because I had long since given up on receiving any compassion from him. 

My eldest daughter was there every step of the way and I know that if it wasn’t for her unwavering and absolute faith in me, that I would have had nothing left to live for. She was and always will be my ‘guiding light’ and has been there for me giving nothing but patience, love and genuine compassion until I can finally now stand strong, both physically and mentally. I am now utterly free of my Narcissist’s control and domination. 

I just wish that he had told me that he had already found his new ‘supply’ whilst I was in hospital instead of lying about it. That would have been too much to expect however, as it would have meant being ‘honest’ and ‘exposed’ – the two things which the Narcissist will avoid at all costs. 

I still live with my eldest daughter now and we are the best friends in the whole world to each other. Such a pity I spent all those long years with a ‘fake’.

Please don’t do this to yourself for someone who isn’t worthy of licking your boots. 

Who would ever have thought that the tiny bundle of joy I held in my arms when I was just 22 years old would turn out to be my Saviour! 

My ‘Song of the Week’ this Monday is dedicated especially to her. It is ‘Take Me Home’ by Jess Glynne because she has taken me home to myself again! I will be forever grateful to her for her incredible strength and courage when I was so utterly lost and needed her so much! 

❤️ Thank you My Beautiful Child. You are truly a gift from God! ❤️

❤️🙏❤️

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 12th June!

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Emotions – Curse or Gift??

Someone asked me this week how I have coped with so many things hitting me one after the other. If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you’ll know one of my daughters nearly died from a rare illness in 2019, I left my ex after a long 15 torturous years in November 2020. Then I had my life-threatening and life-changing fall which almost killed me in May 2022.

Well, I’m not superhuman and I definitely don’t have anything particularly special going on inside me. To be honest, I hadn’t thought about it like that, but when I answered I said that when one blow continually hits you after another, you just get used to it in the end. 

The reality is that when each of these things happened, every one of them felt like the end of the world and I felt so very alone. It’s incredible how your brain immediately switches from each traumatic event to the next. This is when you are operating in survival mode however, and in the long term you do need to revisit these events in order to heal from them. 

Unfortunately, there is no ‘magic’ pill to allow you to simply bypass trauma. If there was, it would seem so simple to move on from the what you have experienced and never think about it again. This is not the case though. 

Here is where you differ vastly from the Narcissist, who can do just that. They can move on very quickly, seeking the ’rush’ that each new relationship or challenge brings instead of taking the time to learn from trauma, mistakes or the damage they have inflicted upon others so that in the future they will not repeat the same cycle over and over again. Instead, they prefer instant gratification which is not compatible with real, enduring love and hence their insatiable appetite will never be satisfied.

The rest of us feel real love, concern, compassion, empathy and heartache which, in life will inevitably happen at some point. I think the important ‘take away’ from all of this, is that we ‘DO;’ learn from experiences in life, even extreme trauma. This then enlightens us to better understand and empathise with others. As complex beings, we have been given a great gift in being able to share and support each other through all of our trials. The Narcissist can only ‘feign’ these qualities and emotions however. Their inner self is damaged, shallow and self-obsessed. This means that when they encounter trauma or the pain of others, they can only ‘pretend’ to care and generally prefer to distance themselves from it in case their ‘cover is blown’. When an individual is suffering, the last person they need anywhere near them is a Narcissist!

When we are in pain, be it physical, psychological, emotional, grief or fear, we are wide awake to those qualities in others and we can intuitively ‘sense’ when someone really and truly cares OR when someone is simply making a shallow attempt at ‘pretending’ to care or understand what we are going through. 

‘Words are cheap’ is a well-known phrase, but simply ‘being there’ and listening is sometimes all that is needed. It can mean the world to someone who is in so much pain and doesn’t know how to go on. 

There is a lot in my life that I have yet to share, but I never forget that no matter what I have been through, there is always someone who has been through much worse. 

You may decide that you would like to speak with a counsellor, a trusted friend, or simply write a journal of your feelings. But it is important to let those feelings come out in some form so that they’re not always trapped inside. It will eventually feel very liberating to let all your demons out and face them. 

Unfortunately, with pain (like many other things in life) we cannot go ‘around it’. We have to go ‘through it’. 

Demons can seem and feel like monsters when they are trapped inside, going round and around in your head, but once you turn and face them, you realise that they have no power over you. They are weak and pathetic. Such is the Narcissist. You deserve to continue on your journey, feeling both wiser and happier.  

Go ‘NO CONTACT’ with your Narcissist. I know it will feel so hard at first… but this is the only way to go in order to heal from all the damage they have done to you and you will finally be free to find yourself again. 

Time is really important. Time to allow healing to take place…. ❤️

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Narcissist Versus Empath

Again, this week I have had messages from others who are trapped in a relationship with a Narcissist and feel so terribly alone. 

Unfortunately, this is part and parcel of being in such a relationship. These people gradually isolate you from friends and family and you are unable to even face coming home from work to the place in which you should feel is your safe haven. Instead you dread coming home because you know that you will be dominated, criticised and devalued by the person who you should be able to rely on for genuine love, care and understanding. 

The simple truth is that you ARE alone in this relationship. Please remember that there is no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM’, which is what you should both be. Because they see you as playing for the opposite team and deep down inside, they envy you and you will always be seen as their primary target/ opponent in an imaginary game of chess which you will never win. Once you realise that this is what your life has become, is it really surprising that you feel so very alone and unloved? 

Never forget that these individuals have a Personality Disorder. This is not something that counseling or therapy will cure. Whilst the synapses in the frontal lobe of OUR brains are constantly firing and creating neural pathways to match logic and reason with emotion, the neural pathways in this area of the Narcissistic Sociopath’s brain is virtually empty. Hence, this leads them to never experience the emotions which link actions to consequences. They have no filter and never feel bad about anything they have ever done or said.

The majority of us would say that we have a ‘conscience’. This prevents us from doing things to purposely hurt or damage others because it would automatically make us feel guilty or sorry for our actions. 

Make no mistake, Narcissists have no moral compass. They are greedy, self-obsessed individuals who are devoid of empathy or compassion for others. They never feel regret for their actions, no matter how heinous. The only real tears or emotions you will see a Narcissist experience are utterly self-centred as they can only feel real concern for themselves. Don’t be fooled by their pathetic attempts to ‘feign’ concern for you or anyone else.

They only allow people around them who they see as happy to live in their shadow and look up to them. Narcissists are habitual liars remember, and they will very probably be lying to any underlings who fall for their ‘fakery’ about you, ensuring that they gain concern as the victim in your relationship. 

It matters not how much they may tell you that they want to change. This is not possible and will NEVER happen.

‘You’ however, have an escape route from this life of misery. You have all of the qualities which the Narcissist is so very jealous of. You are loyal, compassionate, empathetic and feel genuine emotions because your brain is not devoid of these neural pathways. You have developed maturity and have learned from experiences and guidance, the difference between right and wrong. You are a thousand miles away from the spoilt emotional ‘toddler’ which your Narcissistic partner still is and always will be! 

In the grand scheme of things, you are still capable of making and maintaining genuine human relationships. This will take time (maybe a long time) but you will begin to notice that people ‘warm’ to you and enjoy being around you. These can be real, enduring friendships and connections, which the Narcissist can never achieve. 

Remember, as I have said previously, that you can find your ‘happy’ things again. No matter how gradually it happens, please know that the feelings of utter hopelessness and loneliness you have/ or had when in such a relationship, will be replaced with a renewed joy in living again, and you will be free to be your authentic self.

Now THAT is someone worth getting to know again!  

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Next post will be published on Saturday 1st June!

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‘Love Bombing’ – Endorphins and Dopamine

Following on from my last Blog Post, I would like to further explain what I know about the ‘love bombing’ phase of a relationship with a narcissist and the reason why it is so important to understand how and why it leads to your eventual downfall. 

Obviously, you never start out a new relationship knowing that it will gradually but surely result in feelings of desperation, worthlessness and deep depression. However, when this type of ‘trauma bonding’ begins, the narcissist will very quickly shower you with praise, affection and ‘appear’ to be the soulmate you always sought in life. This phase may last for many months until the narcissists feels that you are so attached to them that they have achieved their goal of domination and control over you. You will then start to feel your sense of self slowly begin to erode and constantly try to jump high enough, give enough, love enough… The list goes on. That is not how a healthy loving reciprocal relationship begins however. It takes time to build deep and enduring love. This does not appeal to the Narcissist, who always wants instant gratification and this is why they shower you with so many compliments that the endorphin and dopamine chemicals will light up the pleasure centres in your brain. At this stage you are like a fly trapped in a spider’s web and devaluation of who you are begins. 

My 15-year nightmare began in exactly this way. He would utter comments such as “I adore you” or do things for me to make me feel that I was very special and unique. This is true of course, because I am ‘special’ and ‘unique’, but this has nothing to do with the narcissist. The ‘love-bombing’ phase is the ‘grooming’ of the narcissist’s victim and only those lucky enough to spot the ‘red flags’ early on will find the strength to simply walk away. 

For others, this ‘love bombing’ will cease when it is no longer necessary to the narcissist. After all, they do not ‘feel’ any of the earlier admiration which they feigned in order to attain control over you. It is very important to understand that they do not really ‘feel’ any of those emotions towards you. They only have the ability to ‘fake’ them and they do an expert job of this. The only person they ‘do’ have feelings for is themselves.

Then, the ‘devaluation’ phase begins. They begin to destroy any self-confidence you have and take advantage of your inherent goodness and any insecurities you may have by beginning to demand things of you and constantly criticising your every move. At first, they will apologize for upsetting you, the person who they ‘pretend’ to love so much. But make no mistake, this is done purposefully so they can achieve their end goal, which is total domination and control. 

You were not targeted by them because you are bad or contemptible, rather because they realize you are an ‘empath’ , someone who truly cares for others. Narcissists are envious of these qualities because they don’t have them and so your devaluation begins. 

The dopamine and endorphins which at first flooded your brain with feelings of euphoria, will no longer be present and you will spend months and often years trying to once again experience that incredible high which the narcissist ignited in you. 

Instead, you will start to accept any small crumbs of affection or hope which they allow you, resulting in a constant ‘fight or flight’ state. 

After this, you will then begin to feel depressed most of the time and extremely anxious when around them. You will simply want to ‘numb’ your feelings because they are so painful. Please believe me when I say that you could turn yourself inside out or stand on your head for 24 hours and it still wouldn’t be enough. Basically, unless you are doing something which will benefit them, then you have no purpose in their selfish lives. 

I bought my ex a brand new car, several motorbikes, whatever he wanted. His gratitude was always fleeting and generally lasted a few weeks at best. 

You will never again feel that ‘high’ or see that person because they were never real in the first place. Once their ‘mask’ has slipped, you will be left alone with someone who drags you down day by day until you become a shadow of your former self. I am not overstating it when I say that they will destroy you from the inside out. 

As an empath, you may try to help them to see things as they really are. I did just that and I can’t believe how much of my precious time I wasted on this person. Don’t forget that they have no empathy, no compassion for others, no patience or understanding and are incapable of feeling real true love. This is their tragedy because without experiencing these genuine emotions, their lives are hollow and empty, so empty in fact that they need to attach themselves to someone who has all of these qualities and drain them like the parasites that they really are. 

My narcissistic ex has moved on to his new ‘supply’ and I know it will only be a matter of time before she begins to experience all of this and possibly more. It is not possible for narcissists to grow up, mature or learn from experience. They simply repeat the same pattern over and over again. 

I, on the other hand, have taken the time (a long time) to allow myself to heal and realize that I am so lucky to have been given all of these precious qualities which the narcissist is jealous of. 

Now I can see how much damage he did to me, how he decimated my life, how he cut me off from my friends and family and how all he brought to my life was neglect, ‘gaslighting’, emotional, psychological, financial and verbal abuse. For others, physical abuse will also be a factor.

You were given dopamine and endorphins to allow ‘you’ to experience happiness and they WILL return to you, no matter how impossible it may seem at your darkest moments. 

You WILL again be able to wake up and look forward to all the small joys in life that were denied to you for so very long. Your self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth WILL all return, along with your ‘sense of self’ and who you really are. These things have not disappeared, never to be seen again. They are simply hiding away deep inside you until it is safe to come out again! 

Be kind and patient with yourself and allow your tears to flow. But once you have done this, you will slowly, but surely begin to enjoy life again. Not only will you come out of the other side wiser, but you will be stronger, much stronger! 

Then is the time to find your happy things and allow only positive people into your life. As I’ve said before, every long journey begins with the first step. 

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 29th May!

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Are things finally looking up?

Finally, this week I have had some promising news. 

I can’t give too many details for legal reasons. However, as I’ve said previously, my narcissistic ex has been living in the house that we jointly own with his new partner (supply) for at least 2 years, whilst refusing to allow me to return there to support my recovery from the life-threatening and life-changing 50ft fall which I had in May 2022. He actually insured both himself and her as drivers at that address in MY car, 2 days before I had even left hospital, after a long 6 month stay. I only found this out very recently and it still disgusts me that anyone can be so deceptive and callous to someone who they spent 15 years living with, 

My solicitor has actually been on the case for some time, and my daughter, who is a data specialist, has been collating, documenting and disgitizing all of my accounts and expenditure throughout those years. I always kept records, statements and invoices and I used to wonder why I did this. I am now so glad that I was so diligent because the facts and figures tell a very different story to the one which my ex wants everyone to believe. However, unlike my narcissistic ex, facts and figures don’t lie!

My solicitor has come back to me and said that this financial evidence is highly detailed and shows just how much I had paid to keep us afloat throughout those 15 years. It even shocked me when I saw the details! I WILL get my day in court and because he destroyed my sense of self so badly, while I was with him, he has failed to realize that I am now strong again and ‘I AM COMING FOR HIM!!!’ So for a change, he will be the one on the receiving end, not me. 

He will totally lose his s**t when he is made to face the facts, but I could care less what he thinks. He is a sick individual and deserves whatever justice is meted out to him. He’d better have all his ducks in a row now.

When the time comes, I will stand under my own steam in court and face him, I’m proud of myself now and all the effort I put in constantly to recover, both physically and mentally. He has no shame, but he will regret pushing for this. The funniest thing is that he asked for this court action and finally has no one to blame but his own ‘sick’ self! 😁

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Next post will be published on Saturday 4th of May!

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My Quiet Little Angel

Today’s post is about my youngest daughter who is 27 years old.

As I spoke about in my blog post “When You Really Need Somone To Be There For You”, she was so close to death a few years ago that it was terrifying. I have always loved her and tried to protect her from anything or anyone who would do her harm. I love her with all my heart, but I let her down very badly in my previous 15-year relationship with my narcissistic ex-partner.

I tried so hard to be a strong role model and always to be there for her, but when I became clinically depressed through my ex’s treatment, I simply operated on ‘auto-pilot’ and I was not the mother I should have been to her. Oh, I was there, but I was heavily medicated and couldn’t be the strong emotional support that I should have been. 

My journal extract today reveals this, and I can hardly bare to think of the pain she was caused by my poor mental health. I have apologised for this so many times and will continue to do this until the day I die if she needs me to. 

Having been sexually, physically and emotionally abused as a child, it always horrifies me when people say that children are very resilient. Little ones are simply trying to negotiate and learn about the world around them and any damage that occurs when they are young leaves lasting scars. I know this better than most and yet I let my baby down so badly.

Saturday 6th November 2010

Recently very down. Nightmares about my past are becoming more frequent. They wake me early and I can’t sleep afterwards. Recollections of abuse have become more vivid – like pictures in my head that I can’t get rid of. 

My partner’s resentment of my child leaves me extremely stressed and guilty. My worst fear (apart from death) is that I would ever be the reason for my daughter feeling as bad about herself as I do….. She is only 13 years old and very confused. She feels my partner came along and destroyed her family and I let him do it. She has done her best to accept things but still struggles. We are the adults. I feel that he should be more understanding of her. He is always domineering and authoritative towards her. However, early on in our relationship, he was quite sweet towards her. This soon changed when he no longer felt he could charm her or that he even needed to. It’s as if he sees her as the enemy – ‘my child!’

He dotes on other people’s children and pretends that he loves them. Everyone thinks he is ‘soooo’ charming. But behind closed doors, he becomes like a ‘man-child’ who is jealous of my real child getting any attention. 

During the week, life is miserable. I spend my time trying to please, trying to keep the peace. I don’t want my child to have to stand up to a very strong, controlling and dominant adult male.

I protect her by doing everything around her so he doesn’t get annoyed and shout at her. I also do what he wants i.e. food, washing, tea, feeding pets, cleaning etc. so he feels looked after. However, he can’t control himself and always ends up telling her off or shouting at her for something. My daughter is actually a very quiet and shy girl who needs her confidence building. She is in this situation through no fault of her own. 

I am expected to treat his parents and children with total respect and look after them when they visit. His children are all adults now. However, my daughter is only 13 and has been in this situation since she was 8 years old. He clearly resents dealing with her every day. He doesn’t think that because of this, every day for me is a nightmare. Every bit of my being as a mother wants to protect my child. I may feel nothing for myself, but my children are my first real love and they always will be. Being a mother has been the one thing in my life that I know is so very, very important and I feel that he is taking this away from me. I don’t have family, friends or anyone close anymore who would understand this. I am used to dealing with things on my own since my own mum died. It is very hard and very lonely.

Obviously, my child was being emotionally and verbally abused, as well as being bullied by my ex-partner on ‘my watch’ as her mother, and for that, I will never forgive myself. 

Even after all of this, she has excelled academically, getting a First Class Bachelor of Science Honours degree in Digital Animation and is now working as a graphic designer in Manchester.

 I am so very, very proud of her! She has shone brightly and has a beautiful soul. For that, I will always be grateful. I pray that some of the bad memories from her childhood will not affect her later in life. She is and always will be my ‘quiet little angel’. 

When I am gone, I will be watching down on both of my girls and sending love and protection if I possibly can. I will be waiting up there for them both. To quote ‘Anson Seabra’ in his song ‘Welcome to Wonderland’ : 

 “Welcome to Wonderland, I’ll be your guide. Holding your hand under sapphire skies. Let’s go exploring or we could just go for a walk”.

This youngest child of mine has never once said that she feels any resentment towards me because she has such a gentle heart. She deserves a wonderful future and I pray that she will be happy and loved through all her days. 

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Next post will be published on Saturday 20th April!

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Nightmares & Bulimia

Today, I want to share an extract from my journal from November 2010. To put it into context, I am no longer in that place, thank God. After three years of living with my daughter, I have finally come out the other side. When I first escaped from my abusive ex, I was still having terrible panic attacks because I had been broken down to a place I never thought I could go to. 

It has taken a long time, but gradually, thanks to my daughter’s kind, patient and loving nature, these feelings have subsided and I have kept my promise to myself that I will focus on my recovery this year and will never allow myself to be treated so badly ever again. I know it has taken a long time, but it really is worth it because I have ‘felt the fear’ and ‘dread of life’ subside. Now I have hope again when I wake up every morning and can look forward, even to the smallest things in life. Fun and laughter now come naturally. I no longer have to hide myself away from life to escape all of that misery any more. 

I have regained my ‘inner strength’. The only caviat to this is the old saying – ‘You can’t go around it, you have to go through it.’ This is so true and the results have allowed me to see things as they really are and not as my ex-partner wanted me to see them. In short, I am now in a good, safe place. 

In this journal extract, I talk a little bit about bulimia which I suffered from. In a previous blog post “Misogyny and Control”, I spoke about how my ex-partner’s fat-shaming of all women was a trigger for my bulimia, but it was also a coping mechanism. Bulimia had haunted me for many years, getting worse and worse the longer I stayed with my ex-partner. Now it has completely gone, which I know is a direct result of living with my eldest daughter and the fact that I no longer suffer from all the stress I was living through trying to teach all day and then go home to be abused each evening, trying so hard to hold everything together.

Sunday 7th November, 2010

I have a constant fear of the worst thing happening. I have learnt that the bomb can always drop at any time and now I just wait for it and it always does in the end. The waiting is horrible. I’m frightened all the time. 

The feeling that I’m not good enough is reinforced when my partner shouts at me. When everything builds up it makes me feel like vomiting. He either shouts and undermines me or ignores me completely unless he wants something which always involves my money. I swallow my feelings down and withdraw, but sooner or later I will be overwhelmed and I will vomit them out. It’s horrible. I can’t escape. I wish I could just feel good about things, not bad all the time.

The bad feelings are lasting longer and longer. The nightmares I’m having are becoming more common and vivid all the time. I want to look forward but I can only look back because I’m trapped here. Whenever I sleep my dreams are haunted. Always bad – always so frightening. I never feel safe. 

How long can this go on for? I’m so frightened all the time. I just want it all to stop. Deep deep down, I now believe that I don’t deserve to be happy. I deserve to be tortured because I’m not perfect.

If you are in a situation like this and your intuition is telling you to escape, please get out for your own well-being. This is YOUR life and does not belong to a monster who tortures your every waking moment! 

As my ‘Song of the Week’ says, please don’t lie to yourself and spend years hoping that he/ she will change. This is impossible, because Narcissists and Sociopaths have personality disorders. They have no maturity and will NEVER move beyond a place of cruelty towards you, who they should see as their best friend. Please don’t spend the best years of your life with this person. They will just repeat the same pattern over and over again. 

There is no hope for them, but there is so much hope for you if you can escape and start to rebuild your self-worth and take back your life again!

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 17th April!

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More Flashacks

Across my social media accounts, each week I share a ‘Song of the Week’ which inspires or resonates with me. The latest ‘Song of the Week’ is Broken by Isak Danielson, and I chose this song for a reason. As I said in my last post, I found my old journal from 2010 and I couldn’t believe the realization that I was suffering narcissistic abuse so badly back then and still remained with my ex-partner for a further 10 years, which allowed him to destroy my sense of self and self-esteem over and over again. 

The extract I have chosen to share today is from June 2010 and shows the extent to which I could see what was happening, and yet still remained, because I was being constantly ‘gaslit’ and dominated. Looking back now, I so wish I had left that man then. 

“Tuesday, 14th of December, 2010.

I realized over the weekend what is at the heart of all of this. It was such a huge realisation when it hit me – and yet it shouldn’t have been really, mainly because all the counselling and working on myself has been leading me to this. I just never expected to have the answer thrust into my face with such clarity and so suddenly! 

After reading some of a self-help book, I asked myself what I was getting from remaining in poor mental health. I obviously thought I was getting nothing from it. However, when I really delved into it – I saw that if I go to bed because I’m scared to face life, I am avoiding something very strong and close at hand. 

What I get out of it is not being expected to take responsibility for everything all the time, not being criticised and belittled and never being good enough. That stopped me from trying because I had realised that no matter how hard I tried, it would never be good enough. 

I realised that my partner treats me like a naughty child when it suits him, but as an adult when he wants something or has responsibilities which he always expects me to deal with. 

I have been made to feel that I have no choices anymore and the power and control of my own life have been taken away from me. In short, I am not allowed to just ‘be myself’ because it doesn’t suit what my partner wants me to be. This has decimated and destroyed me. My self-esteem, confidence and sense of who I am have been very badly damaged by this.

If you are in a situation like this and your intuition is telling you to escape, please get out for your own well-being. This is YOUR life and does not belong to a monster who tortures your every waking moment! 

As my ‘Song of the Week’ says, please don’t lie to yourself and spend years hoping that he/ she will change. This is impossible, because Narcissists and Sociopaths have personality disorders. They have no maturity and will NEVER move beyond a place of cruelty towards you, who they should see as their best friend. Please don’t spend the best years of your life with this person. They will just repeat the same pattern over and over again. 

There is no hope for them, but there is so much hope for you if you can escape and start to rebuild your self-worth and take back your life again!

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Next post will be published on Saturday 13th April!

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Journal from 2010!

This week I found an old journal which I was encouraged to keep by a counsellor to express my feelings, even if it was only on paper because at the time I was so ‘shut down’. After a few sessions with this counsellor telling her about my life, she told me that it is often the partner who wants you to get help which is the cause of your depression and anxiety in these cases. 

This is because these people are narcissists and can only feel their own selfish needs and are totally ‘unaware’ of the effect they are having on your mental health.

When I opened my journal, I couldn’t believe it when I saw that I had written it in 2010!!!

It is also painfully clear now. Clarity comes so easily in retrospect. I can see how he was ‘dragging me down’ constantly, in so many different ways. All the well-known phrases that I now understand, such as ‘love-bombing’, ‘gaslighting’ and ‘red flags’ are very obvious in my journal. 

If only I had left then, it would have helped me to heal so much sooner and not continue to exist in the nightmare that had become my life. 

If I may, I would like to share with you just one day from that journal, which I have picked randomly and was written all those years ago. 

“Tuesday, 14th of December, 2010.

Spoke to [my partner] last night about how he seems to think other people are only there for his benefit. He just doesn’t want to hear it and he certainly doesn’t get it. I reminded him this morning that he actually used to acknowledge that he was being selfish when we first got together and would always promise to change and be less self-centred. The episodes of this kind of behaviour have become more and more common, and the gaps between them are barely noticeable anymore. [My partner] certainly doesn’t acknowledge being self-centred or apologise the way he used to. This has become the norm. My life has shut down. I feel worthless and not valued. My confidence is gone from constant criticism and domination. I have no control over my life or anything around me. It’s horrible to see what my life has come to. I used to be so outgoing and bubbly. Not anymore.”

There is so much more included in this journal which details exactly how he had broken me down until I had extreme anxiety and clinical depression. 

If you have a choice, DO NOT remain with someone who treats you this way, hoping that one day they will ‘see the light’ and change for the better. They ARE and ALWAYS WILL BE narcissists. They have a personality disorder and do not own a conscience. They have dark, dark souls and do not care about the damage they do to those closest to them! 

All those years and all that time wasted, ‘my years’ and ‘my time’.

Please don’t follow my example and stay. I can now see so clearly how so many years of my life were destroyed by this man. 

Please do not let this happen to you! If you have a choice, get and stay out.

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 10th April!

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A Retrospective View

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about how and why I let my ex-partner drag me down to such a poor state of mind. 

I’ve often heard people say “How can anyone let someone do that to them? How can they put up with that? I’d be out of the door straight away!”

But those kinds of voices and thoughts are all based on ignorance as to how these things actually happen. 

It’s not the case that you suddenly find yourself in the clutches of someone who behaves that way towards you from day one. 

At the start of this type of abusive relationship, your partner is ‘love-bombing’ you, ‘mirroring’ and copying all of your likes and dislikes. They will profess undying love for you very quickly, make you beautiful meals, take you out and show you off and put you on a pedestal of adoration. This all happens very quickly, so that you will think you have met your soulmate and  the person you were always destined to be with. 

This period may last a couple of years and they will try to convince you that previous partners have been crazy and had lots of problems before they met. While you are experiencing this ‘honeymoon’ period, you will try to persuade yourself that perhaps things will be different with you and that you were always meant to be together. 

Sadly, this is not the case and never will be. These people have personality disorders and the real reason they haven’t been able to maintain enduring relationships is a lot darker. My ex-partner told me his previous partners were all of these things at the beginning.

Although I found this hard to believe, I did try to convince myself that things would be different with me.

For those of you who have read my previous blog posts, you will know just how far I was ‘dragged down’ I was by who I thought was my ‘Knight in shining armour’. In reality, he very slowly and gradually turned into my ‘worst nightmare’ come true. 

When I look back now, it all seems so clear to me, but at the time I was so happy that someone could love me so very very much. 

Once the ‘mask’ of deception began to slip, however, I started to recognise the ‘red flags; which I had earlier glossed over, or made excuses for. He was always controlling, even from the start but he used to do it in a seemingly protective way. Once the ‘mask’ started slipping, however, suddenly the things that he used to love about me became the things that irritated him or he found stupid and annoying. All the nice things he used to do and taking me out stopped and anything I made or did for him was met with derision and contempt. 

I genuinely wanted him to be my ’ forever’ person, but in reality that was never going to happen. 

When someone starts out ‘love-bombing’ you and then being controlling, these are red flags NEVER to be ignored because they will ultimately lead to the destruction of your self-worth, self-belief and any shred of confidence you ever had. These things take a LONG time to build back up again and you will have a lot of work to do on yourself to recognize that you do have a voice once more and you are allowed to speak up. 

Even leaving is a nightmare for so many people because of financial restraints and/or possibly children being involved. Extracting yourself from someone who has long since lost interest in you is incredibly difficult. 

However, there is a light at the end of what can turn out to be a very dark tunnel. After a few months of being away from your partner’s constant criticism and judgment, chinks of light and hope will start to appear in your life once again. Grab hold of these ‘tiny acorns’ and from them ‘Great Oaks’ will replace all the negativity you were forced to endure. 

Always, always protect and believe in yourself! You are special, you are unique and you will find the light in your life once again!

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 27th March!

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More Hell…

Continuing from my last blog, my daughter and I attended the Garda station to meet regarding my ex-partner’s fraudulent signing over of my car to himself. 

When we arrived and sat down, I said I had not contacted him since our last meeting. I went to collect my belongings on the previous Monday and did not contact him because he told me he only wanted contact through solicitors. 

I called his number and put my phone on loudspeaker while the garda was present. I wasn’t sure if he was going to answer my phone call, but he did. 

As he answered, he immediately said “What?!”. 

I asked him why he had signed my car over to himself in 2022 while I was still in hospital.

The next 40 minutes were spent listening to a tirade of abuse from him, constantly trying to change the subject and saying things such as “ I curse the day I ever met you”, “I don’t care about your well-being, I couldn’t give a toss”, “I wish you were dead” and finishing with “You are dead to me”. 

I spent the first 15 minutes trying to speak but was constantly interrupted by him. This brought back all the horrible memories of the previous 15 years we spent together, where I was not allowed a voice. This brought on tears which I could not control because it brought back all the trauma this man had put me through for so long. He kept telling me to stop crying, but there was no change in the tone of his voice. He just didn’t want to hear it. Furthermore, he continually called me by his new partner’s name over and over, trying to correct himself each time. 

To be honest, the whole ordeal was an absolute nightmare and I left the Garda station still in tears and massively triggered because I had been brought back down to nothing again by this man who I just wanted to escape from. However, it took a couple of days, but once I pulled myself together I made another appointment at the Garda station to give a statement regarding my ex’s forgery of my signature (which bore no resemblance whatsoever to mine) signing my car over to himself.

This time was very different though. I felt strong and determined. I had decided that now was the time to finally make sure that justice would be done. Myself and my daughter were in the garda station for over 2 hours while I was giving my statement. I was shattered when we left, but I knew it was the right thing to do. This was no longer about my car, which we had finally retrieved (but which was damaged and filthy inside), but about the fact that I have no clue if my ex has forged my signature on anything else which may not have been questioned. Also, if he thinks he has gotten away with this since 2022, he may do the same at any point in the future. 

The Garda were very professional and said they would be calling him to ask him to come into the station and if he refused to do so voluntarily, they would go to the house and arrest him. 

While all this has been going on, my solicitor has sent two warning letters out to my ex-partner regarding the house we both own but which he has been living in with his new partner (supply). The first letter he has ignored and he has 14 days to answer the second before action will be taken against him. 

I don’t take any pleasure in any of this. All I ever did was to try to accommodate his demands and to love and be loved. But I have been forced into this position. When you are backed into a corner, you have to fight your way out. He has spent the last two years minimum, living his usual ‘honeymoon’ period with his next, in what has been a long list of partners, enjoying life while he tried to ‘crucify’ me last year. 

It’s only when you look back and finally see the truth that you can cut through all the lies and fight for what is right. 
I am now walking a lot more and I will never be told I CAN’T anymore because I CAN and I WILL!

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Next post will be published on Saturday 2nd of March!

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Court Action

Apologies for my late blog today. I have been filling in lots of information for my solicitor to take my ex to court. It’s been quite a task with lots of detail required. But my solicitor is very experienced in this area and I’m hoping he will be able to gain me some recompense for this long, long nightmare. As I have said, this comes at a high cost though (€20-25,000 and 3 years). 

However, at this point, one thing I have learned is patience and how to wait for things. This includes my recovery and justice over my house. I will NEVER give in to this bully. He has no morals, compassion or empathy. So I hope that he will eventually get his just desserts!

He has been served with notice from my solicitor that he is now being taken to court. After all the unnecessary suffering he has put me through, it’s about time that he is made to realise that things won’t always go his way. 

Meanwhile, I am getting out every day to practice my walking with a stick and my focus is on me. It’s about time I made myself the priority in this whole nightmare! 

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Next post will be published on Saturday 20th January!

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Suicidal

For months after I came home from hospital, I still wanted him back. I know that sounds sick, but he had such a hold over me that I literally didn’t know who I was anymore.

I became so depressed that I actually slashed my wrists. I just wanted it to be over. My poor daughter was out with her boyfriend that night, but came back early and found me with blood everywhere. She took care of me and luckily, I had only cut my veins and not gone deep enough to sever my arteries, but I will always have scars on my wrists. My daughter is a first aider and knew exactly what to do. I know now that this was an incredibly selfish act and regret the pain I would have caused her by doing this. But at the time, I felt I had been crucified enough and just wanted to go. 

Never again will I give in to that soulless black heart. 

My fighting spirit is back however, thanks to my fabulous daughter and while I am still alive, I will fight. 

You can go back and read my previous blog post “Our Beautiful Country House” about the property we still own together. All the 15 long years we lived in that house together, he made sure I paid for everything, even any house/garden maintenance etc. He constantly complained and asked what money was being spent on. However, every time I suggested that he control the finances, he refused, saying he didn’t want to be in charge of the money. I couldn’t win. No matter what I did, I was always in the wrong. That house is the last bastion of control he holds over me and he is determined to ‘drag me down’ at every possible opportunity. 

He decided that a week before Christmas was a great time to tell me that he had a new partner (victim) who is now living in my house with him. What an absolute disgrace! 

These narcissists are a menace to anyone who gets too close. So please, for your own sake, NEVER ignore any red flags! They are your instinct telling you that danger is very close at hand! 

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Catastophe! Continued…

The doctors started to reduce my sedatives during the day to see if I would regain consciousness, but it never worked and I remained in a coma. 

However, one day, after all of my operations were complete, they stopped giving me sedatives, I regained consciousness and they were able to remove my ventilator. My daughters were overjoyed and from then on I started to improve, albeit gradually. My eldest was terrified that I would be paralysed and incontinent, but she was there every step of the way, no matter what.

I was so very lucky as I had a stroke when I took that 50-foot fall, but the only thing it ended up affecting was my memory of a few mini-series on Netflix 😝. Luckily I have no paralysis and am totally continent.

I did have a lot of nerve damage though, which is probably why I’m taking so long to be able to walk again. But I’m a fighter and with my daughter’s support, I’ll get there. I walk with a stick at the moment but I am determined that eventually, I’ll be able to jog again. 

I was in hospital for 6 months. My ex-partner visited less than a handful of times and even then, he could only bear to stay for 10 to 15 minutes. The nursing staff didn’t trust my ex-partner and were concerned for my safety when he came to the hospital. So they kept coming in to check I was okay when he was present. 

I’ll never forget the day he came in to see me when I had sepsis (which had spread to my brain and caused delirium) and pneumonia. I was sitting up in bed and trying to look strong even though I was very ill at the time. He sat down and told me that he no longer found me attractive and didn’t love me anymore. Then he left. Who says that to someone who is so close to death?! Your very own narcissist, that’s who! At least he no longer pretended that he cared.

From the moment I was allowed to go home to live with my daughter, I was determined to do everything for myself. It took a long time to wash and dress at first, but gradually I became adept at it. My daughter said she was so glad because she knew that I couldn’t live without being independent. 

My own personal narcissist never gave me a second thought. I know now that he would have preferred it if I had died. 

Well ‘Tough Luck Donald Duck!’ because I’m still here and fighting all the way.

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Our Beautiful Country House

As I mentioned in my last post the beautiful, big country house we used to live in, I’m now going to talk about how things are in the present day. 

I live with my daughter in a small apartment for good reason. I left that house, which I paid half of the mortgage for, when the abuse became unbearable.

My partner kept refusing to sell the house which I had poured years of money and love into throughout the time we were together. Eventually, he agreed that we should sell it. However, it had to be through an auctioneer/ estate agent that he approved of, and he said repeatedly that he would not accept a penny below the asking price. As soon as we had an offer from a cash buyer at the asking price, he marched into the auctioneers and told them that he was taking it off the market and that their services were no longer required. He didn’t even bother to tell me that he was going to do this. 

He then proceeded to put the house up for sale with another auctioneer/ estate agent which he chose. I suggested other auctioneers but he said it was his decision and as usual, that he wouldn’t take a penny below the asking price. I had no choice than to agree.

When we had a new offer, from cash buyers for the full asking price who had booked a survey, within a couple of days he WhatsApp’d me to say he was taking it off the market again. Bear in mind that everything was on his terms and always what he wanted.

I was on my way to hospital one morning to see a consultant and was terrified of what I might hear. Throughout the journey (my daughter was driving) he was badgering me to take €80,000 so that he could buy me out of the house which would leave him with €200,000 equity. I begged him to leave me alone as I had an important hospital appointment, but he just kept badgering me all the way. 

At the hospital, I was told that the surgeon would meet with his colleagues to try to come up with a solution to save my right foot, but that it may need to be amputated. I was in complete shock all the way home but my ex-partner continued to badger me non-stop. I told him what I’d just been through, but there was no reaction, no ‘I’m sorry’, no nothing. He just kept pressuring me to take €80,000 as he said I had only paid a small percentage of the mortgage, when in actual fact I had paid half of it until I had a catastrophic fall last May. Even when I moved in with my daughter, I had to pay rent, and still do. 

The second auctioneer rang me to tell me that my partner had sent them an email to say that he was taking the house off the market. This was the second auctioneer of ‘his choice’ who he had agreed to sell the house through. Both auctioneers (who are very reputable in the area) telephoned me and said they would never deal with him again. All I could do was apologise, but they said they knew it wasn’t down to me and were very kind and considerate towards me. 

So that’s where things stand to this day. My ex-partner is still living in that huge house and has refused to let me anywhere near it, even though it is half mine. I am living in this small apartment, which makes it very hard for me to get in and out of, due to the four flights of stairs to access or leave it. 

I am having to sell my car to try and get the money together for a ‘Forced Sale’ which will cost approximately €20-25,000 and take 3 years before going to court. This is my only option however, as he constantly moves the goal posts. I can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth. He lies the way most people tell the truth. It sickens me to know that he is living in my house and won’t allow me anywhere near it. I need to practice walking every day and it would be so much easier if I could do it in what was, and still is legally my own home. He’s always been very arrogant, but he has no compassion or humanity. So much for ‘love conquering all’. That only works if there are two people who genuinely care about each other.

I’m writing a ‘living will’, so that even if I’m no longer here after this three year nightmare, my two daughters will at least have some help towards their futures. 

I told him that I don’t give in to bullies. I learnt that the hard way when I was younger. But now I will NEVER give in to his particular brand of bullying. While I have breath in my body, I will never give in to his demands. I’ve found a strength within me that I never knew I had, but this is too much to take. I will never stop fighting for what is rightfully mine. 

I don’t think I will ever trust a man again because of this. 

I’m just so sorry I spent so many years trying to make everything better. A control freak is torture. ‘NEVER allow them to fool you into believing anything else.’

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Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Looking back now, there were so many ‘Red Flags’ that I should have taken notice of. My inner voice was telling me that it was all wrong. 

He would always tell me what I should do or should be doing. However, he never once asked my opinion or what he should do. I wasted so many years of my life trying to ‘jump’ high enough, be ‘good’ enough or ‘give’ enough. Nothing was ever ‘enough’ though. Narcissists and sociopaths only care about how ‘they’ feel, what ‘they’ want and ‘their’ needs. 

Although I really tried to stay balanced, it was impossible when I was living with someone who was constantly trying to manipulate everything I did or said. 

I was always ‘wrong’ and he was always ‘right’. 

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Next post will be published on Saturday 9th December!

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When You really Need Someone To Be There For You

Just when you think things can’t get any worse, they do. My dear mum used to always say “Just as one door closes, another one slams in your face.” How right she was! But I hope this post serves to help others through some terribly dark times. 

While I was still living with my partner, my youngest daughter from a previous relationship, who was 21 at the time, had just graduated from university with a first class BSc Honours Degree, but I could see that she didn’t look well that day. I thought it was just down to stress, but I was so wrong. Her face was moon shaped and her skin was completely covered in a red rash. She ended up in hospital very seriously ill. 

My eldest daughter and I were there at every possible moment. About 2 weeks later, a consultant came and told me that she had a very rare illness called Cushing’s Syndrome. We, as women, were as strong as any man could ever be, but as usual my partner showed no emotion when I really needed his support. I will say one good thing about him though. He did supply lifts to the hospital when I was too distressed to drive and it was convenient for him.

The hospital would only allow 2 close family members in at one time. He asked if he could come in and see her a few times, not grasping the fact that they would not allow him in, and even then, he would be the last person she would want anywhere near her because of his treatment of her while she was living with us, but also, because she was so very ill. 

The consultant said that normally, Cushing’s Syndrome only affects one ovary and the other one functions normally. But in my daughter’s case, he said it was one in a million, but both ovaries were totally swelled up and under her arms and thighs there were huge striae. 

He arranged for an ambulance for me to go with her to a hospital in Dublin at 6am where he said they could help her. I spent the whole journey trying to reassure her that everything would be ok.

When we arrived in Dublin, she had to undergo lots of tests and have bloods taken. Every moment, my eldest daughter and I spent time with her. We only went home, back to my daughter’s tiny rented room in a shared house in Dublin, to get changed, grab something to eat and go straight back to hospital. My youngest was so terrified, but we always tried to reassure her that she would be ok. The doctors were constantly telling us that she needed an operation. She had a CT and an MRI scan which showed nothing, but the doctors said they were used to that, they said it meant nothing in relation to her illness.

Each day my eldest and I would both show strength to her, we never allowed ourselves to show any weakness, because we could see her ‘scanning’ our faces for any sign of worry. It’s amazing how strong women can be when we need to be. But every time we left her ward, we would hold hands and hug each other so close. It was a new ‘hell’ every single day. I said this over and over to my partner, but he never showed any sign of emotion or gave me a hug for reassurance.

I remember one day, I was walking her around the ward and she saw herself in the mirror. She immediately turned to me and said “Is that what I look like?”. I just wanted to hold her close and cry but I found the strength to tell her that it was only because she was so poorly and she would be back to normal once she was well again. 

One evening, as I was going home to grab something to eat and come back, her consultant called me in and told me that she was over the pneumonia (which they never told me she had) but would be unable to conceive a baby without IVF and then added that without the operation she needed she was going to die. I left his room in complete shock.

I can’t ever explain how painful it was to see my baby so close to death. All this time my partner never even bothered to contact me, I always had to tell him what was going on.

The next day I picked myself up and got back to it all. Thankfully, a very gentle surgeon came in and said to my daughter that it was the only thing to do. So she finally signed the consent form for the operation.

They spent 5 hours performing brain surgery on her and found 15 microscopic tumours in her pituitary gland which they removed. Those 5 hours felt like an eternity. I remember when she woke up, she was terrified and asked me what was on her face. I said that it was just an oxygen mask and that it would be removed in a couple of hours. My eldest daughter and I came back an hour later and the oxygen mask was gone. My partner never came up once to see her or tell me that eventually everything would be alright. 

Unbelievably, within two days, my daughter was behaving more like her usual self. She will have to take synthetic cortisol for the rest of her life, but now I’m just so glad that my baby is still alive.
It took about 18 months for her face, hair and body to recover, but they did. She is now a Graphic Designer in the UK. I am so proud of her bravery, but I’ll never forget the horror of watching her almost die before my very eyes. My partner never once hugged me or tried to reassure me, after all this wasn’t about him. That’s because he can only feel his own pain. That of others is inconsequential to him. 

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