Bad News About A Friend

I heard something on Wednesday which reminded me of something which it is very important never to forget. I hope it’s okay if I share this with you today. 

I had just come home from doing my rehab in the gym, when I received a message from a friend who I hadn’t heard from in a few weeks. I knew there was something wrong because we’re normally sending little messages of support and love to each other. However, I just didn’t know what it was and my messages had all gone unanswered for a while. 

I met this person while I was spending months in the National Rehabilitation Hospital to get me back on my feet again. When you spend so long in hospital, you create a special bond with others going through similar things which often leads to some lifelong friendships being formed. This post is about one of those people with whom I now have a lifelong friendship. Even the toughest of times can have positive outcomes which can never be counted in monetary terms, because their value is far too priceless and precious. 

This friend of mine has already been through a lot. He had to have his foot removed due to Diabetes and was learning to walk again with a prosthetic limb while we were in hospital together.

Then, when he went home, his partner of over 35 years left him for someone else. He has been doing his best to come to terms with all of this, but he told me some things on Wednesday that have all happened within the last month. 

Within the last 4 weeks, he has lost four very close friends. Three if them were through suicide and another in a motorcycle accident. Two of them were his cousins and one was his best friend in the whole world. 

Then, because he wasn’t eating through grief, his sister managed to get him an ambulance to take him to hospital just in time to save his life. His blood sugar was 0.3 which is extremely dangerous. They’re still doing tests on him now. 

Obviously, I was incredibly shocked at hearing all of this and I’ve been doing my best to lend an ear and support him. 

It does really highlight to me how unfair life is for some, when others seem to sail through it with few problems. Having said that however, it also reminds me that no matter what we are going through, there is always someone else who is going through worse. I think it’s really important to count our blessings and be grateful for any happiness which comes our way. 

It also serves to remind us that life is short and to live it in the grip of a Narcissist’s control is a precious gift wasted.

No matter how hard it may be to escape from their grasp, never forget that once you have been through the pain of ending things, you ‘WILL’ feel happiness again and life will take on a whole new meaning. 

Life is for living. So do it for yourself. You deserve it.

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The Strength Within You

I wanted to share with you today just exactly how far you will come from that dark nightmarish life you lived with your narcissistic ex, when you finally escape and begin to work on ‘yourself’, ‘your’ mental and physical health and ‘your’ happiness. 

As I’ve said repeatedly, I know that it will take time, perhaps lots of time for your healing to take place. Believe me that I am not diminishing any of the pain you may be going through as I have been there and I know how terrifying and difficult it is.

Having said that however, I absolutely ‘promise’ you that your healing WILL happen if you be kind to yourself and spend time with those who really ‘do’ care about you and your feelings. Not only will you come through it, but you will be happier and stronger than ever before! You will eventually move beyond just ‘trying’ to work on yourself and you will actually be able to look back and ‘laugh’ at your ex (narc) and see them for the pathetic individuals they really are. You will no longer be ruled by their demands, criticism and control. Instead, you will be elated to have ‘found’ yourself again and you will gain a much greater appreciation for all of the beautiful things that life has to offer! 

I know that my last post was about the dangers of being in a relationship with a narcissist, but mine is now on the local Garda (Irish police) radar, so if he ever came near me, I know they would be here like a shot. I also have a CCTV camera at the entrance to my home for safety. I would advise you to do the same.

If you have read my previous posts, you may have noticed that I have never once mentioned ‘hating’ my ex (narc). This is not because I care about him. It is because I don’t think it is healthy for ME to have hatred in MY heart. He ‘hates’ me and has said so many terrible things to me, that I know he is not capable of feeling any of the more complex emotions which we ‘can’ feel. I do struggle with not hating on a daily basis, but I now see the ‘emotional pygmy’ that he is, instead of the tyrant who I was ruled by for so many years. I am trying to forgive, but I will NEVER forget what he did to me. So even just that alone is a valuable lesson and something that I will never repeat again. 

I have been on a few Tinder dates and the latest was quite a nice farmer who seemed very gentle and good-natured. However, on date number 6, he decided to say “I don’t want to break your heart”. I almost choked on my drink and it was all I could do not to burst out laughing. I managed to simply smile and say “Well, I can tell you right now, that is never gonna happen”. 

He then proceeded to spend the rest of the night back-tracking and ended up in tears saying he didn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. 

It really was quite pathetic for me to have to comfort him all evening, because in his head, he obviously thought this wasn’t how the conversation was going to go. 😂

So when I say that you will come out stronger and happier than before, I really mean it! All I wanted to do that night was to go home and chill out. 

What a lot of people don’t realise is that when you have had your heart ripped out and stamped on for many years by your ex (narc), you will have imaginary ‘red flags’ ready to pop up at any moment. Your intuition will kick in and you will never be at the mercy of someone else’s behaviour or whims again. 

‘Self-preservation’ is a wonderful thing and once you have it ready to work for you, life will feel so much more than it was before. You will be free to fly without the need for any man/woman’s love or acceptance. 

I want you to believe that this will happen for you because it WILL if you give ‘time’ and ‘self-care’ a chance. 

You WILL enjoy life again, you really will. I promise! 😍

“When you think you’ve run over an animal
and realize it was just a Narcissist…“

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All Narcissists Are Dangerous

I wrote today’s post to emphasise how important the advice and suggestions that I and other bloggers post about narcissistic behaviour are. We have all experienced and survived this abuse and simply want to share our experiences to support and hopefully, help you to protect yourself from these individuals. 

I want to draw your attention to 3 very infamous examples of narcissistic abuse which unfortunately ended in the worst possible way for the victims involved. For every one of these famous examples, there are millions of others who have gone undetected or unnoticed. When people talk about narcissists, they often don’t realise that this disorder goes hand in hand with a cluster of personality disorders including:- 

• Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) 
• Psychopaths 
• Sociopaths

All of the above are narcissists. They are on a wide spectrum of this continuum. Some will be great leaders, some mediocre control freaks at best, some will be great warriors and others serial killers. But all of them have the capacity to do great harm to others, whether it be on a small scale or, on a much larger scale, through genocide. They do not and will NEVER have empathy which prevents us from causing deliberate harm to others. 

The first of the 3 examples I want to draw upon is O.J. Simpson. As a famous American Football player and later as an actor in several well-known films, you would expect this type of fame would feed his ego sufficiently. However, he went on to commit the heinous crimes that he is now known to have been responsible for. 

He was famously acquitted of the murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson (his ex-wife) and her friend Ron Goldman in 1994. Both were stabbed to death outside of Nicole’s home. O.J. emotionally, verbally and physically abused Nicole, both during and after their marriage ended.

In 1997, in a civil lawsuit, he was found liable for both deaths. However, due to his earlier acquittal, he never served any jail time for these murders. 

O.J. was eventually imprisoned for 9 years on 12 counts of armed robbery and kidnapping at gunpoint in 2008. 

He died at the age of 76 of cancer at his home in Las Vegas in April 2024. Nicole was just 35 years old when he stabbed her to death and never got the opportunity to see her 2 children (who O.J. was given custody of when he murdered her)  grow up. 

The second infamous example of just how dangerous these individuals can be is when Oscar Pistorius, the South-African Paralympian athlete (who was then seen as a National Hero) shot and killed his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp (a South African model) in the bathroom of his home on Valentine’s Day in 2013. 

In his first trial, Oscar was found culpable of homicide and received a sentence of 5 years to be served at home due to his disabilities. 

However, in December 2015, the Supreme Court of South Africa found Oscar guilty of murder and he received a sentence of 6 years, which was later increased to 13 years and 5 months.

Reeva was just 29 years old when she was shot to death by Oscar Pistorius. He is still alive and well, whilst young Reeva is lost to her family forever. 

The third example of such a case is a documentary mini-series dramatized by Channel 4 in the UK and Ireland called ‘The Fall: Skydive Murder Plot’ and headlined as:- 

THIS IS A TRUE STORY ABOUT A WOMAN WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE. 

This is the true story of Emile Cilliers and his wife Victoria. Victoria was a very experienced professional skydiver, who knew all the correct equipment and safety checks required prior to taking any jump. 

Emile had previously been a soldier who served in the 29 Commando Regiment in the UK. 

In 2015, Victoria made her first jump since having a baby a month earlier. On this occasion, her backpack and parachute failed to open and she plummeted 4000 feet to land in a field, at first presumed dead. When she was found to still be alive, she was rushed to hospital with life-changing injuries and it took her three years to recover from all of these. 

Her husband, Emile Cilliers was proven to have tampered with her backpack and parachute deliberately, so that he could move on and collect her life insurance money and to be with his new girlfriend. 

He had also previously, just a week prior to this incident caused a gas leak at their home. So, the Sky Dive was the second attempt he had made on her life within one week. 

After a long, protracted case, he was found guilty of 2 counts of attempted murder and was given a life sentence (to serve a minimum of 18 years in prison). 

Victoria, who was 35 years old at the time, said that all she could think of while she was falling, was how her two small children would be left without their mother. 

I have not attempted to comment on or embellish any of these cases. They are shocking enough as they stand. I simply wanted to highlight just how dangerous these individuals are and what the ultimate price to pay for remaining with them could be for you. NEVER expect them to change or become better people. They cannot and will not do this. To them, in their sick and depraved minds, their actions are totally warranted and they feel no remorse or concern for their intended victims. Their only regret is to be caught out in their lies and being made to pay for their crime/s by the law.

I hardly think a few years of imprisonment bears any comparison to taking or attempting to take the life of their partner, simply to satisfy their need for revenge or their thinly veiled hatred in order to make their lives easier. They do not have the capacity to think beyond this and always presume they will be successful in achieving their goal. They do not consider taking a beautiful young life or the mother of their children to be of any significance.

In my case, I was simply lucky that when my ex (narc), who is a secondary school teacher, removed his facemask and kissed me on the lips while I was in a coma at the height of the COVID pandemic, I did not contract the virus. I would simply have been one of those deaths that go undetected and unnoticed. He would then have automatically been given the house we jointly own due to my death which would have allowed him to continue on his way unchallenged. He would have felt no remorse or compassion for my 2 daughters having been left without their mother. 

Please, please NEVER underestimate the lengths your narcissistic partner/ ex-partner will go to in order to rid themselves of you once they have secured their new ‘supply’/’supplies’. You MUST put your life first. If you have children, this is even more important, so they can grow up with a parent who genuinely and deeply loves and cares for them. 

Do not allow yourself to become a statistic. Choose to be a survivor! Put your safety first and ensure that the police are aware of how much danger you may be in. You may need a restraining order, but do whatever is necessary to escape this living hell BEFORE you are made to pay the ultimate price. 

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I love You, But Deep Down I Hate You…

So, when my ex-partner (narc) and I first got together, I remember he said to me:-

 “I’m going to love you the way you’ve always deserved to be loved.” 

Knowing what I do now, what he actually meant was:-

“ I’m going to hate you the way you’ve always deserved to be hated.”

Hindsight is a great thing, but that’s why it’s so easy to see the truth when you look back. When you are being ‘love-bombed’ and ‘gaslit’ from the beginning, you obviously don’t realise that every word that comes out of their mouths very probably means the exact opposite. If you did, you would run a mile. Unfortunately, this is a very clever tactic which almost always works for them at the beginning of each new relationship. 

This bond is not deep and meaningful for them however. It matters not, that you may be the best thing that will ever happen to them. They are simply not capable of feeling deeper, more meaningful true love. They can only ‘feign’ what they think they should say and do to fool you into believing that they really feel these more complex emotions. 

Don’t be fooled by their early apologies and ‘gaslighting’ when you point out the pain they are causing you once their ‘devaluation’ phase begins. Believe me, when I say that I have been there and done that. No matter what I said, did or tried, it never worked. This is ‘your’ tragedy because you waste so much of your precious time and energy trying to ‘help’ them to understand the consequences of their behaviour that you lose sight of yourself. This is ‘their’ tragedy also, however. Their shallow natures never allow them to learn from experience or mature. So you are basically always dealing with a spoilt toddler in a man’s body. 

Once you can finally take no more of this punishment and find a way to escape from their hold over you, you ‘will’ learn from this experience and your brain will be alerted to all the ‘red flags’ you never saw initially. Luckily for you, this does not mean that you will be ‘jaded’ or a ‘man / woman-hater’ for the rest of your life. You will simply be able to see things as they really are and those ‘rose-tinted spectacles’ you were wearing will finally be gone forever. You will still retain your empathy, kindness, inherent goodness, love and compassion for others. These are great gifts which the Narcissist can only ever dream of because they are lost to him/ her forever. 

Ever heard the saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it”? Well, the Narcissist is like a spoilt child who won’t stop tinkering and trying to make their favourite toy better. Inevitably, they will break it, when it was already perfect how it was. They may break your spirit, but they can never take your beautiful soul away from you. My spirit was broken over and over again by my ex (narc) but it has now returned, stronger than ever. 

Remember that you are on ‘your’ schedule now, NOT theirs any longer. This may take time. Allow yourself as long as you need to heal from the terrible trauma you have endured throughout this relationship. But heal you will! I promise! Your mental and physical health are so very precious. 

At first, they will only begin to return very gradually, but as time goes on, you will begin to see things in a brand new, more positive light. Protect and nurture your mental and physical health and they will grow from tiny seeds of hope into blossoming flowers in full bloom. 

Be kind and very patient with yourself. This WILL happen, but because it may have been so long since you allowed your instinct, intuition and self-love to work for you (in my case 15 years), it may simply take a long time for them to come back. But ‘come back’ they will! You will eventually feel stronger and healthier than ever before. You will then see every new day as a blessing and you will be wide awake to all of the wonderful joys in life which have been denied to you for so long. 

All of this is ‘THEIR’ tragedy. Don’t allow it to be yours by staying any longer once this realization finally hits you. 

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‘The Devil’ and ‘My Saviour’

Following on from my post on Wednesday about our intuition and how it will help you to know when someone is a Narcissist.

This is one of those times when I have had to revisit the most traumatic events in my life and how I knew (even when I was teetering on the brink of life and death) that my ex-partner was a true example of a Narcissist.

If you read my previous blog posts, you will know that I had a near-fatal 50ft fall in May 2022, which left me with life-threatening and life-changing injuries. 

On that night, my eldest daughter who was 34 followed the ambulance in a Garda car to the emergency room of the hospital where a whole team immediately started working on me to try and save my life. She didn’t know who else to call, so she rang my partner in a state of shock. 

He immediately started shouting at her, asking her how she could let this happen. He then proceeded to turn up very quickly at the hospital emergency room and began trying to kick the doors in. He was screaming and shouting obscenities. 

By this time, my daughter was inside while a whole team of doctors, nurses and surgeons were desperately trying to save me. She later told me that she could hear the commotion outside and knew it was him. She went out to him and told him to calm down and that they were working on me to save me at that very moment. 

She then went to the staff on duty and said that if he continued to act in this manner, they should call the Guards (Irish Police) and have him forcibly removed if necessary. 

She came out about 10 minutes later and he was standing against the wall with his arms crossed saying nothing. 

After this, she was asked to come to me and say goodbye as I had a major internal bleed which they couldn’t find. This was when they were forced to get the ‘rib-spreaders’ out in surgery. After about an hour, they came back out to her and told her that they had found it. She was incredibly relieved as, at this point, she had thought that I was going to die that night. 

I had fallen and landed on my feet, breaking both legs, smashing my pelvis and separating it from my spine. However, I think my dear mum was watching over me that night because my spinal cord remained intact and I had not landed on my head, which would have been the end for me. 

After the hospital had put metal rods down both my femurs and sewn me up from all the wounds I had, they sent me to the Mater Hospital in Dublin where I was in a coma for three weeks. They reattached my pelvis to my spine with metal and had kept a close eye on my brain because I had banged my head as I fell and suffered a stroke. 

I was on a ventilator throughout this time as I was unable to even breathe for myself. 

My youngest daughter immediately came back from Manchester where she works and was there by my side. 

During this time my Narcissist partner came to see me twice. I was in ICU and he removed his face mask (COVID was still a threat at this time) and kissed me on the lips. As I was extremely vulnerable and still close to death at this point, my eldest daughter told him he should not have done that because of the threat it could be to my life. An argument immediately followed where he insisted he wasn’t in the wrong and was entitled to do as he wanted, as per usual. This was all going on while I was helpless and unable to defend myself. 

Looking back now, I can see that my now ex-partner would have relished the opportunity of ‘playing’ the grieving partner. This changed however, when I began breathing for myself again and gradually, slowly began to improve. 

My eldest daughter was by my side every single day, playing music to me, reading me books and massaging my arms and legs. She believed that these things can help someone in a coma to come back from their unconscious state. Well, it worked! 

You may have noticed that on the night of my accident and afterwards my then partner never once asked about me or offered my daughter a kind or comforting word. After all, this was about him and his feelings, no one else. 

It took a long time, but very gradually I slowly came around to myself and once I started to improve, he showed little or no interest in coming to see me. My daughter had to ‘beg’ him on many occasions to come in and see me because I was asking for him. 

When he did come, even though I was still deathly ill, he would physically ‘bristle’ when I held my arms out for a hug. I could ‘feel’ that he didn’t want to be anywhere near me and he never once said anything to reassure me or show that he cared. This is, as I said in my last post, because the Narcissist ‘hates’ being around sick people or those who are in pain, either physically or mentally. 

My Narcissist was only interested in me when he thought I was going to die so that he could ‘feign’ concern as the grieving partner. 

He visited me a handful of times for the 6 long months I then spent in hospital improving. 

Eventually, I gave up hoping that he cared and my darling daughter was by my side every moment. She saw me through so many operations, sepsis and pneumonia and this must have been massively traumatizing to her. She never knew if I would be brain-damaged or severely mentally or physically disabled after my fall, but because she has great compassion and empathy, she never left my side. It must have been so terrible for her, all of that ‘not knowing’. 

My ex-partner never once gave her a moment’s support. This was no longer just about him remember? Therefore, he wanted to distance himself from the whole thing, distance himself from having to ‘pretend’ to care or show ‘fake’ concern for me or my daughter. 

This is true Narcissistic, selfish behaviour which is at its height when they are most needed. 

After a few months, I stopped hoping to see him, but lived for the moments when my daughter was there, right by my side because she really DID care and showed great compassion every single day. She constantly tried to reassure me and revealed such a depth of love that I never thought possible. 

The final visit my ex-partner made to see me was with a moment’s notice that he was in the garage down the road and he would pop in to see me. 

This is when he told me that he no longer found me attractive and didn’t love me. I had pneumonia at the time but never mentioned it to him because I had long since given up on receiving any compassion from him. 

My eldest daughter was there every step of the way and I know that if it wasn’t for her unwavering and absolute faith in me, that I would have had nothing left to live for. She was and always will be my ‘guiding light’ and has been there for me giving nothing but patience, love and genuine compassion until I can finally now stand strong, both physically and mentally. I am now utterly free of my Narcissist’s control and domination. 

I just wish that he had told me that he had already found his new ‘supply’ whilst I was in hospital instead of lying about it. That would have been too much to expect however, as it would have meant being ‘honest’ and ‘exposed’ – the two things which the Narcissist will avoid at all costs. 

I still live with my eldest daughter now and we are the best friends in the whole world to each other. Such a pity I spent all those long years with a ‘fake’.

Please don’t do this to yourself for someone who isn’t worthy of licking your boots. 

Who would ever have thought that the tiny bundle of joy I held in my arms when I was just 22 years old would turn out to be my Saviour! 

My ‘Song of the Week’ this Monday is dedicated especially to her. It is ‘Take Me Home’ by Jess Glynne because she has taken me home to myself again! I will be forever grateful to her for her incredible strength and courage when I was so utterly lost and needed her so much! 

❤️ Thank you My Beautiful Child. You are truly a gift from God! ❤️

❤️🙏❤️

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Emotions – Curse or Gift??

Someone asked me this week how I have coped with so many things hitting me one after the other. If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you’ll know one of my daughters nearly died from a rare illness in 2019, I left my ex after a long 15 torturous years in November 2020. Then I had my life-threatening and life-changing fall which almost killed me in May 2022.

Well, I’m not superhuman and I definitely don’t have anything particularly special going on inside me. To be honest, I hadn’t thought about it like that, but when I answered I said that when one blow continually hits you after another, you just get used to it in the end. 

The reality is that when each of these things happened, every one of them felt like the end of the world and I felt so very alone. It’s incredible how your brain immediately switches from each traumatic event to the next. This is when you are operating in survival mode however, and in the long term you do need to revisit these events in order to heal from them. 

Unfortunately, there is no ‘magic’ pill to allow you to simply bypass trauma. If there was, it would seem so simple to move on from the what you have experienced and never think about it again. This is not the case though. 

Here is where you differ vastly from the Narcissist, who can do just that. They can move on very quickly, seeking the ’rush’ that each new relationship or challenge brings instead of taking the time to learn from trauma, mistakes or the damage they have inflicted upon others so that in the future they will not repeat the same cycle over and over again. Instead, they prefer instant gratification which is not compatible with real, enduring love and hence their insatiable appetite will never be satisfied.

The rest of us feel real love, concern, compassion, empathy and heartache which, in life will inevitably happen at some point. I think the important ‘take away’ from all of this, is that we ‘DO;’ learn from experiences in life, even extreme trauma. This then enlightens us to better understand and empathise with others. As complex beings, we have been given a great gift in being able to share and support each other through all of our trials. The Narcissist can only ‘feign’ these qualities and emotions however. Their inner self is damaged, shallow and self-obsessed. This means that when they encounter trauma or the pain of others, they can only ‘pretend’ to care and generally prefer to distance themselves from it in case their ‘cover is blown’. When an individual is suffering, the last person they need anywhere near them is a Narcissist!

When we are in pain, be it physical, psychological, emotional, grief or fear, we are wide awake to those qualities in others and we can intuitively ‘sense’ when someone really and truly cares OR when someone is simply making a shallow attempt at ‘pretending’ to care or understand what we are going through. 

‘Words are cheap’ is a well-known phrase, but simply ‘being there’ and listening is sometimes all that is needed. It can mean the world to someone who is in so much pain and doesn’t know how to go on. 

There is a lot in my life that I have yet to share, but I never forget that no matter what I have been through, there is always someone who has been through much worse. 

You may decide that you would like to speak with a counsellor, a trusted friend, or simply write a journal of your feelings. But it is important to let those feelings come out in some form so that they’re not always trapped inside. It will eventually feel very liberating to let all your demons out and face them. 

Unfortunately, with pain (like many other things in life) we cannot go ‘around it’. We have to go ‘through it’. 

Demons can seem and feel like monsters when they are trapped inside, going round and around in your head, but once you turn and face them, you realise that they have no power over you. They are weak and pathetic. Such is the Narcissist. You deserve to continue on your journey, feeling both wiser and happier.  

Go ‘NO CONTACT’ with your Narcissist. I know it will feel so hard at first… but this is the only way to go in order to heal from all the damage they have done to you and you will finally be free to find yourself again. 

Time is really important. Time to allow healing to take place…. ❤️

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A Whole World of Pain

Today I want to address the feelings/ emotions that many of you are going through right now and those of which I am, unfortunately, very familiar with. I want to show you that I have been in that dark place and that I understand exactly what you may be going through right now. 

When I started this blog, I felt utterly alone in my pain and wanted to reach out and perhaps find others who ‘have’ OR ‘had’ been in that terribly lonely place. I remember thinking that if even only one person felt the same or had experienced this terrible pain, then I would perhaps be able to find support and also support others going through similar trials in their lives. Now I realise that not only was I not alone, but that there were so many victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse, that there is a whole community of people worldwide out there who have been in that terrible place. The relief of understanding that I had not brought this upon myself was quite a shock. 

I was deliberately targeted and chosen for the very qualities which the Narcissist seeks out so very cleverly because of their jealousy of you that they simply want to destroy you. This is because being devoid of these qualities, the Narcissist makes it their mission to destroy your nature and, in return obtain control, domination and ultimate power over you. Their principal motive is to eradicate the qualities which they at first, very deviously “pretended” to love so, so much about you. In the process of doing this, it leads the Narcissist to obtain their own validation and feeds their extremely sadistic nature by destroying you.

As many of you will have previously read in this blog, I spent a very long and incredibly painful relationship with my abuser, always hoping that one day, maybe one day, things would change and he would love me again. This of course never happens. Your life simply becomes more and more shut down, depressing and so dysfunctional that you try to ‘normalize’ what is being done to you so that you can just carry on and keep going. 

I tried, oh how I tried, to make things work through those long dark 15 years. This led to my eventual downfall. I simply wanted everything to just stop. I had nothing left to give and ended up just not wanting to exist any more. I had no self-worth, self-esteem or value left, and felt so terribly alone that I simply wanted to die. 

The Narcissist will continually tell you how much they love you, whilst twisting the knife into you. They will lie, cheat, demand more and more, neglect and constantly dominate and criticise you to achieve their goal of destroying everything inside you. They are very devious and clever as they constantly ‘gaslight’, cheat and lie to you, so that you have no energy left to take care of, or love yourself any more. You feel hollowed out inside and that you have nothing of value to offer and no place in the world any longer. 

For me, this led to clinical depression, constant anxiety and inevitable suicidal ideation in order to escape the terrible feelings with which I was consumed. 

It is horrendous to me to now look back and remember that I actually seriously wanted to have a ‘lobotomy’. This procedure involves removing part of the frontal lobe of your brain, rendering you placid, docile and indifferent to ‘feeling’ your own emotions. It is now illegal in many countries because it is considered a barbaric treatment for poor mental health and leaves you devoid of any emotions. This is, of course, the reason I so wanted it to be done to me, because at the time I spent every day in so much pain that it was like waking up to a new hell every morning. I was a teacher and never once shared these thoughts with anyone, as I knew they were so terrible that no one would understand or want to hear them. Instead, I put on a ‘front’ which was bubbly, competent, and always upbeat which was absolutely exhausting. When home I spent my time in bed and alone, to simply avoid constant criticism and mental torture. My spirit was broken and I finally had to be signed off work because I had hit a ‘brick wall’ which left me exhausted and utterly hopeless. 

I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and after only one week, several counseling sessions, talking with my consultant psychiatrist and freedom from the constant abuse, they helped me to understand it was my relationship with my abusive partner which was responsible for my extremely poor mental health. They said they wanted to send me home, but their main concern was what I was going home to! They continued to counsel me at home online and always stressed that I needed to be ALONE, that I was SAFE and that my partner was NOT in the house. I was on strong anti-depressants and medication for anxiety. 

Covid had become a danger to the entire population of the world around this time and the Pandemic eventually led to the development of the Covid vaccine which everyone was advised to take to prevent more deaths. Much of the working population were sent to work from home ‘remotely’. 

Later that year, my eldest daughter came to stay and work from my house for a short time. However, after a few weeks, she said that she had witnessed so much of his terrible behaviour towards me that she wanted to help me escape from him. She also added that after only a few weeks of living there, it was beginning to affect her own mental well being. So you can only imagine what 15 years of this horrendous conditioning had done to me and my mental health. I told my then partner that I needed a break and to go and live with my daughter for a while. We organised an apartment together and I took whatever belongings I could fit into my car and left. It took months before I stopped ‘jumping’ every time my daughter came into the room, but slowly I began to realise that she wasn’t going to shout at me or make me feel bad about myself. This was a slow, dawning revelation to me and gave me space and time to attempt to process what I had been going through for so very long. 

Unfortunately, after a few months, I accidentally fell 50 feet from the balcony of our fourth floor apartment and was so close to death that the doctors took my daughter to an emergency side room and told her to remind me that she loved me and to say goodbye. 

I DID survive that fall however. I spent a long 6 months in hospital and had several near death experiences whilst I was there. Not only did I survive but I thrived, and my daughter was there for me every step of the way. I can only imagine the hell she went through, not knowing if I would be paralyzed, incontinent or brain damaged. But she never gave up on me. My partner did however. He barely came to visit and when he did, I knew he wanted to be somewhere else. When I left hospital I was living with my daughter for a short time before being admitted to the National Rehabilitation Hospital because I could barely walk by that point. 

It was only on the anniversary of my dear mother’s death, just a week before Christmas, that my ex-partner decided to tell me that he had a new partner, which I found particularly cruel. He is now living in the house we jointly own with his new ‘supply’ and thought I would just hand it over to him for a ‘paltry’ amount so they could continue to enjoy my lovely home whilst constantly refusing me access to it and he would then own everything. 

No! That’s not how it’s going to go. I have come a LONG way since then. I am going to the gym (following my sports physio’s programme) 4 times a week and am walking around the apartment unaided. I have fought hard to get both my mental and physical strength back and, thanks to my daughters unconditional love, patience and support, I have finally found myself again.

It has taken a long 3 years since I left my own private hell to achieve this and I would NEVER go back again! 

When I think of those months when all I wanted was a ‘lobotomy’ to numb the terrible pain I was going through whilst living with my Narcissist, I can’t believe that I just wanted to feel nothing. If I had been lobotomised, I wouldn’t have been capable of any of the wonderful positive feelings which have gradually, but definitely, returned. I would never again have had the ability to enjoy all the wonderful gifts that life brings us every single day, never have felt simple happiness again. Just numbness, only numbness. 

I know that you may feel that you are possibly in that place right now. But believe me, if you can hang on to something or someone who brings love and laughter into your life again, then you will feel so much better and stronger than you ever felt before. 

Both body and mind can heal from anything. We just have to give them time and hope, hope, hope and it WILL happen. I promise you. ❤️

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Next post will be published on XXXXXXXX!

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Narcissist Versus Empath

Again, this week I have had messages from others who are trapped in a relationship with a Narcissist and feel so terribly alone. 

Unfortunately, this is part and parcel of being in such a relationship. These people gradually isolate you from friends and family and you are unable to even face coming home from work to the place in which you should feel is your safe haven. Instead you dread coming home because you know that you will be dominated, criticised and devalued by the person who you should be able to rely on for genuine love, care and understanding. 

The simple truth is that you ARE alone in this relationship. Please remember that there is no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM’, which is what you should both be. Because they see you as playing for the opposite team and deep down inside, they envy you and you will always be seen as their primary target/ opponent in an imaginary game of chess which you will never win. Once you realise that this is what your life has become, is it really surprising that you feel so very alone and unloved? 

Never forget that these individuals have a Personality Disorder. This is not something that counseling or therapy will cure. Whilst the synapses in the frontal lobe of OUR brains are constantly firing and creating neural pathways to match logic and reason with emotion, the neural pathways in this area of the Narcissistic Sociopath’s brain is virtually empty. Hence, this leads them to never experience the emotions which link actions to consequences. They have no filter and never feel bad about anything they have ever done or said.

The majority of us would say that we have a ‘conscience’. This prevents us from doing things to purposely hurt or damage others because it would automatically make us feel guilty or sorry for our actions. 

Make no mistake, Narcissists have no moral compass. They are greedy, self-obsessed individuals who are devoid of empathy or compassion for others. They never feel regret for their actions, no matter how heinous. The only real tears or emotions you will see a Narcissist experience are utterly self-centred as they can only feel real concern for themselves. Don’t be fooled by their pathetic attempts to ‘feign’ concern for you or anyone else.

They only allow people around them who they see as happy to live in their shadow and look up to them. Narcissists are habitual liars remember, and they will very probably be lying to any underlings who fall for their ‘fakery’ about you, ensuring that they gain concern as the victim in your relationship. 

It matters not how much they may tell you that they want to change. This is not possible and will NEVER happen.

‘You’ however, have an escape route from this life of misery. You have all of the qualities which the Narcissist is so very jealous of. You are loyal, compassionate, empathetic and feel genuine emotions because your brain is not devoid of these neural pathways. You have developed maturity and have learned from experiences and guidance, the difference between right and wrong. You are a thousand miles away from the spoilt emotional ‘toddler’ which your Narcissistic partner still is and always will be! 

In the grand scheme of things, you are still capable of making and maintaining genuine human relationships. This will take time (maybe a long time) but you will begin to notice that people ‘warm’ to you and enjoy being around you. These can be real, enduring friendships and connections, which the Narcissist can never achieve. 

Remember, as I have said previously, that you can find your ‘happy’ things again. No matter how gradually it happens, please know that the feelings of utter hopelessness and loneliness you have/ or had when in such a relationship, will be replaced with a renewed joy in living again, and you will be free to be your authentic self.

Now THAT is someone worth getting to know again!  

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Next post will be published on Saturday 1st June!

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‘Love Bombing’ – Endorphins and Dopamine

Following on from my last Blog Post, I would like to further explain what I know about the ‘love bombing’ phase of a relationship with a narcissist and the reason why it is so important to understand how and why it leads to your eventual downfall. 

Obviously, you never start out a new relationship knowing that it will gradually but surely result in feelings of desperation, worthlessness and deep depression. However, when this type of ‘trauma bonding’ begins, the narcissist will very quickly shower you with praise, affection and ‘appear’ to be the soulmate you always sought in life. This phase may last for many months until the narcissists feels that you are so attached to them that they have achieved their goal of domination and control over you. You will then start to feel your sense of self slowly begin to erode and constantly try to jump high enough, give enough, love enough… The list goes on. That is not how a healthy loving reciprocal relationship begins however. It takes time to build deep and enduring love. This does not appeal to the Narcissist, who always wants instant gratification and this is why they shower you with so many compliments that the endorphin and dopamine chemicals will light up the pleasure centres in your brain. At this stage you are like a fly trapped in a spider’s web and devaluation of who you are begins. 

My 15-year nightmare began in exactly this way. He would utter comments such as “I adore you” or do things for me to make me feel that I was very special and unique. This is true of course, because I am ‘special’ and ‘unique’, but this has nothing to do with the narcissist. The ‘love-bombing’ phase is the ‘grooming’ of the narcissist’s victim and only those lucky enough to spot the ‘red flags’ early on will find the strength to simply walk away. 

For others, this ‘love bombing’ will cease when it is no longer necessary to the narcissist. After all, they do not ‘feel’ any of the earlier admiration which they feigned in order to attain control over you. It is very important to understand that they do not really ‘feel’ any of those emotions towards you. They only have the ability to ‘fake’ them and they do an expert job of this. The only person they ‘do’ have feelings for is themselves.

Then, the ‘devaluation’ phase begins. They begin to destroy any self-confidence you have and take advantage of your inherent goodness and any insecurities you may have by beginning to demand things of you and constantly criticising your every move. At first, they will apologize for upsetting you, the person who they ‘pretend’ to love so much. But make no mistake, this is done purposefully so they can achieve their end goal, which is total domination and control. 

You were not targeted by them because you are bad or contemptible, rather because they realize you are an ‘empath’ , someone who truly cares for others. Narcissists are envious of these qualities because they don’t have them and so your devaluation begins. 

The dopamine and endorphins which at first flooded your brain with feelings of euphoria, will no longer be present and you will spend months and often years trying to once again experience that incredible high which the narcissist ignited in you. 

Instead, you will start to accept any small crumbs of affection or hope which they allow you, resulting in a constant ‘fight or flight’ state. 

After this, you will then begin to feel depressed most of the time and extremely anxious when around them. You will simply want to ‘numb’ your feelings because they are so painful. Please believe me when I say that you could turn yourself inside out or stand on your head for 24 hours and it still wouldn’t be enough. Basically, unless you are doing something which will benefit them, then you have no purpose in their selfish lives. 

I bought my ex a brand new car, several motorbikes, whatever he wanted. His gratitude was always fleeting and generally lasted a few weeks at best. 

You will never again feel that ‘high’ or see that person because they were never real in the first place. Once their ‘mask’ has slipped, you will be left alone with someone who drags you down day by day until you become a shadow of your former self. I am not overstating it when I say that they will destroy you from the inside out. 

As an empath, you may try to help them to see things as they really are. I did just that and I can’t believe how much of my precious time I wasted on this person. Don’t forget that they have no empathy, no compassion for others, no patience or understanding and are incapable of feeling real true love. This is their tragedy because without experiencing these genuine emotions, their lives are hollow and empty, so empty in fact that they need to attach themselves to someone who has all of these qualities and drain them like the parasites that they really are. 

My narcissistic ex has moved on to his new ‘supply’ and I know it will only be a matter of time before she begins to experience all of this and possibly more. It is not possible for narcissists to grow up, mature or learn from experience. They simply repeat the same pattern over and over again. 

I, on the other hand, have taken the time (a long time) to allow myself to heal and realize that I am so lucky to have been given all of these precious qualities which the narcissist is jealous of. 

Now I can see how much damage he did to me, how he decimated my life, how he cut me off from my friends and family and how all he brought to my life was neglect, ‘gaslighting’, emotional, psychological, financial and verbal abuse. For others, physical abuse will also be a factor.

You were given dopamine and endorphins to allow ‘you’ to experience happiness and they WILL return to you, no matter how impossible it may seem at your darkest moments. 

You WILL again be able to wake up and look forward to all the small joys in life that were denied to you for so very long. Your self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth WILL all return, along with your ‘sense of self’ and who you really are. These things have not disappeared, never to be seen again. They are simply hiding away deep inside you until it is safe to come out again! 

Be kind and patient with yourself and allow your tears to flow. But once you have done this, you will slowly, but surely begin to enjoy life again. Not only will you come out of the other side wiser, but you will be stronger, much stronger! 

Then is the time to find your happy things and allow only positive people into your life. As I’ve said before, every long journey begins with the first step. 

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 29th May!

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Advice…

This week, I have been reading a lot of messages from sufferers of narcissistic abuse. Many of them seem to feel very alone in their suffering and that they are far from escaping from their incredibly painful lives. Others have made the move to get away from their relationship, but feel that they are falling apart. 

PLEASE… PLEASE… if you are feeling this way, never forget that you were NOT born to become someone’s doormat. You were born to be yourself. You are unique and very special, despite what has happened to you. Try to remember that there WAS a time when you were allowed to have your own thoughts and emotions, without fear of constant judgment or criticism. There WAS a time when you KNEW who you were and deep down, who you still are! 

The trauma that you have suffered has made you think that you need this person because you now feel worthless and unimportant. This is NOT  the case. You were and still are an empathetic person who always tries to understand how someone else feels. Unfortunately, this sometimes comes at the cost of thinking about how YOU actually feel. 

Living with a narcissist is like a very slow brainwashing and conditioning, so that in the end, you lose your sense of self and worth. 

If you have managed to free yourself and think you are lost and hopeless, please try to look at your situation in a different way. The truth is that you have just escaped your worst enemy. The famous saying that ‘The Devil hides in plain sight’ is particularly true of these relationships, because whilst declaring how much they love you, they are repeatedly stabbing you in the back. 

The trauma will be extremely hard to deal with. You may need counselling or simply a trusted friend to listen. However, this is your first step to “finding” yourself again! You should allow yourself time and be proud of taking this first step because it will lead to many more, each one taking you further away from your enemy and closer to accepting the wonderful being that you are, with all the gifts you have been given such as empathy, compassion, love and understanding. 

I wish I could say that this will be easy, but unfortunately in life, sometimes we have to go through the pain to ‘process’ and come to terms with it. It takes time to retrain your mind into knowing and acknowledging your worth. However, the narcissist could live for an eternity and will never feel any of these wonderful gifts. In truth, they are jealous that you can feel what they cannot and are envious of your genuine nature. That is why they feel the need to tear you down and pretend to any of the few friends they may have that they are living in a terrible relationship and that YOU are the one to blame. The truth is and always has been that you are much better as a human being in every way than they can ever hope to be. 

Take lots of time and very, very slowly allow yourself to feel your OWN emotions again. Let the tears fall and you will gradually, little by little realize that you deserve so much better! 

I’ve been through all of the fear and terror of feeling that I needed my narcissist back. I can tell you though, that after you have been through this storm, you will eventually start to see things in a new and much more positive light. This is an invaluable lesson to you and one day, on the horizon, you will see the sun rise again. You will NEVER allow anyone to degrade or demoralize you ever again. 

It took me 3 years of pain and gradual healing after my 15-year relationship ended, to come to this realization. But now that I am free to find life an exciting adventure and no longer a nightmare, I would never wish it any other way. I value all the small things I used to love about life and now realize that I was not born to be tortured either. I was born to be ‘me’, not a ‘version of me’ that was never real. 

Please believe me when I say that this will come to you also. You have to go through darkness to find the light – but what a wonderful light it is!

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 15th May!

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