The Strength Within You

I wanted to share with you today just exactly how far you will come from that dark nightmarish life you lived with your narcissistic ex, when you finally escape and begin to work on ‘yourself’, ‘your’ mental and physical health and ‘your’ happiness. 

As I’ve said repeatedly, I know that it will take time, perhaps lots of time for your healing to take place. Believe me that I am not diminishing any of the pain you may be going through as I have been there and I know how terrifying and difficult it is.

Having said that however, I absolutely ‘promise’ you that your healing WILL happen if you be kind to yourself and spend time with those who really ‘do’ care about you and your feelings. Not only will you come through it, but you will be happier and stronger than ever before! You will eventually move beyond just ‘trying’ to work on yourself and you will actually be able to look back and ‘laugh’ at your ex (narc) and see them for the pathetic individuals they really are. You will no longer be ruled by their demands, criticism and control. Instead, you will be elated to have ‘found’ yourself again and you will gain a much greater appreciation for all of the beautiful things that life has to offer! 

I know that my last post was about the dangers of being in a relationship with a narcissist, but mine is now on the local Garda (Irish police) radar, so if he ever came near me, I know they would be here like a shot. I also have a CCTV camera at the entrance to my home for safety. I would advise you to do the same.

If you have read my previous posts, you may have noticed that I have never once mentioned ‘hating’ my ex (narc). This is not because I care about him. It is because I don’t think it is healthy for ME to have hatred in MY heart. He ‘hates’ me and has said so many terrible things to me, that I know he is not capable of feeling any of the more complex emotions which we ‘can’ feel. I do struggle with not hating on a daily basis, but I now see the ‘emotional pygmy’ that he is, instead of the tyrant who I was ruled by for so many years. I am trying to forgive, but I will NEVER forget what he did to me. So even just that alone is a valuable lesson and something that I will never repeat again. 

I have been on a few Tinder dates and the latest was quite a nice farmer who seemed very gentle and good-natured. However, on date number 6, he decided to say “I don’t want to break your heart”. I almost choked on my drink and it was all I could do not to burst out laughing. I managed to simply smile and say “Well, I can tell you right now, that is never gonna happen”. 

He then proceeded to spend the rest of the night back-tracking and ended up in tears saying he didn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. 

It really was quite pathetic for me to have to comfort him all evening, because in his head, he obviously thought this wasn’t how the conversation was going to go. 😂

So when I say that you will come out stronger and happier than before, I really mean it! All I wanted to do that night was to go home and chill out. 

What a lot of people don’t realise is that when you have had your heart ripped out and stamped on for many years by your ex (narc), you will have imaginary ‘red flags’ ready to pop up at any moment. Your intuition will kick in and you will never be at the mercy of someone else’s behaviour or whims again. 

‘Self-preservation’ is a wonderful thing and once you have it ready to work for you, life will feel so much more than it was before. You will be free to fly without the need for any man/woman’s love or acceptance. 

I want you to believe that this will happen for you because it WILL if you give ‘time’ and ‘self-care’ a chance. 

You WILL enjoy life again, you really will. I promise! 😍

“When you think you’ve run over an animal
and realize it was just a Narcissist…“

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Next post will be published on Saturday 22nd June!

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All Narcissists Are Dangerous

I wrote today’s post to emphasise how important the advice and suggestions that I and other bloggers post about narcissistic behaviour are. We have all experienced and survived this abuse and simply want to share our experiences to support and hopefully, help you to protect yourself from these individuals. 

I want to draw your attention to 3 very infamous examples of narcissistic abuse which unfortunately ended in the worst possible way for the victims involved. For every one of these famous examples, there are millions of others who have gone undetected or unnoticed. When people talk about narcissists, they often don’t realise that this disorder goes hand in hand with a cluster of personality disorders including:- 

• Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) 
• Psychopaths 
• Sociopaths

All of the above are narcissists. They are on a wide spectrum of this continuum. Some will be great leaders, some mediocre control freaks at best, some will be great warriors and others serial killers. But all of them have the capacity to do great harm to others, whether it be on a small scale or, on a much larger scale, through genocide. They do not and will NEVER have empathy which prevents us from causing deliberate harm to others. 

The first of the 3 examples I want to draw upon is O.J. Simpson. As a famous American Football player and later as an actor in several well-known films, you would expect this type of fame would feed his ego sufficiently. However, he went on to commit the heinous crimes that he is now known to have been responsible for. 

He was famously acquitted of the murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson (his ex-wife) and her friend Ron Goldman in 1994. Both were stabbed to death outside of Nicole’s home. O.J. emotionally, verbally and physically abused Nicole, both during and after their marriage ended.

In 1997, in a civil lawsuit, he was found liable for both deaths. However, due to his earlier acquittal, he never served any jail time for these murders. 

O.J. was eventually imprisoned for 9 years on 12 counts of armed robbery and kidnapping at gunpoint in 2008. 

He died at the age of 76 of cancer at his home in Las Vegas in April 2024. Nicole was just 35 years old when he stabbed her to death and never got the opportunity to see her 2 children (who O.J. was given custody of when he murdered her)  grow up. 

The second infamous example of just how dangerous these individuals can be is when Oscar Pistorius, the South-African Paralympian athlete (who was then seen as a National Hero) shot and killed his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp (a South African model) in the bathroom of his home on Valentine’s Day in 2013. 

In his first trial, Oscar was found culpable of homicide and received a sentence of 5 years to be served at home due to his disabilities. 

However, in December 2015, the Supreme Court of South Africa found Oscar guilty of murder and he received a sentence of 6 years, which was later increased to 13 years and 5 months.

Reeva was just 29 years old when she was shot to death by Oscar Pistorius. He is still alive and well, whilst young Reeva is lost to her family forever. 

The third example of such a case is a documentary mini-series dramatized by Channel 4 in the UK and Ireland called ‘The Fall: Skydive Murder Plot’ and headlined as:- 

THIS IS A TRUE STORY ABOUT A WOMAN WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE. 

This is the true story of Emile Cilliers and his wife Victoria. Victoria was a very experienced professional skydiver, who knew all the correct equipment and safety checks required prior to taking any jump. 

Emile had previously been a soldier who served in the 29 Commando Regiment in the UK. 

In 2015, Victoria made her first jump since having a baby a month earlier. On this occasion, her backpack and parachute failed to open and she plummeted 4000 feet to land in a field, at first presumed dead. When she was found to still be alive, she was rushed to hospital with life-changing injuries and it took her three years to recover from all of these. 

Her husband, Emile Cilliers was proven to have tampered with her backpack and parachute deliberately, so that he could move on and collect her life insurance money and to be with his new girlfriend. 

He had also previously, just a week prior to this incident caused a gas leak at their home. So, the Sky Dive was the second attempt he had made on her life within one week. 

After a long, protracted case, he was found guilty of 2 counts of attempted murder and was given a life sentence (to serve a minimum of 18 years in prison). 

Victoria, who was 35 years old at the time, said that all she could think of while she was falling, was how her two small children would be left without their mother. 

I have not attempted to comment on or embellish any of these cases. They are shocking enough as they stand. I simply wanted to highlight just how dangerous these individuals are and what the ultimate price to pay for remaining with them could be for you. NEVER expect them to change or become better people. They cannot and will not do this. To them, in their sick and depraved minds, their actions are totally warranted and they feel no remorse or concern for their intended victims. Their only regret is to be caught out in their lies and being made to pay for their crime/s by the law.

I hardly think a few years of imprisonment bears any comparison to taking or attempting to take the life of their partner, simply to satisfy their need for revenge or their thinly veiled hatred in order to make their lives easier. They do not have the capacity to think beyond this and always presume they will be successful in achieving their goal. They do not consider taking a beautiful young life or the mother of their children to be of any significance.

In my case, I was simply lucky that when my ex (narc), who is a secondary school teacher, removed his facemask and kissed me on the lips while I was in a coma at the height of the COVID pandemic, I did not contract the virus. I would simply have been one of those deaths that go undetected and unnoticed. He would then have automatically been given the house we jointly own due to my death which would have allowed him to continue on his way unchallenged. He would have felt no remorse or compassion for my 2 daughters having been left without their mother. 

Please, please NEVER underestimate the lengths your narcissistic partner/ ex-partner will go to in order to rid themselves of you once they have secured their new ‘supply’/’supplies’. You MUST put your life first. If you have children, this is even more important, so they can grow up with a parent who genuinely and deeply loves and cares for them. 

Do not allow yourself to become a statistic. Choose to be a survivor! Put your safety first and ensure that the police are aware of how much danger you may be in. You may need a restraining order, but do whatever is necessary to escape this living hell BEFORE you are made to pay the ultimate price. 

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I love You, But Deep Down I Hate You…

So, when my ex-partner (narc) and I first got together, I remember he said to me:-

 “I’m going to love you the way you’ve always deserved to be loved.” 

Knowing what I do now, what he actually meant was:-

“ I’m going to hate you the way you’ve always deserved to be hated.”

Hindsight is a great thing, but that’s why it’s so easy to see the truth when you look back. When you are being ‘love-bombed’ and ‘gaslit’ from the beginning, you obviously don’t realise that every word that comes out of their mouths very probably means the exact opposite. If you did, you would run a mile. Unfortunately, this is a very clever tactic which almost always works for them at the beginning of each new relationship. 

This bond is not deep and meaningful for them however. It matters not, that you may be the best thing that will ever happen to them. They are simply not capable of feeling deeper, more meaningful true love. They can only ‘feign’ what they think they should say and do to fool you into believing that they really feel these more complex emotions. 

Don’t be fooled by their early apologies and ‘gaslighting’ when you point out the pain they are causing you once their ‘devaluation’ phase begins. Believe me, when I say that I have been there and done that. No matter what I said, did or tried, it never worked. This is ‘your’ tragedy because you waste so much of your precious time and energy trying to ‘help’ them to understand the consequences of their behaviour that you lose sight of yourself. This is ‘their’ tragedy also, however. Their shallow natures never allow them to learn from experience or mature. So you are basically always dealing with a spoilt toddler in a man’s body. 

Once you can finally take no more of this punishment and find a way to escape from their hold over you, you ‘will’ learn from this experience and your brain will be alerted to all the ‘red flags’ you never saw initially. Luckily for you, this does not mean that you will be ‘jaded’ or a ‘man / woman-hater’ for the rest of your life. You will simply be able to see things as they really are and those ‘rose-tinted spectacles’ you were wearing will finally be gone forever. You will still retain your empathy, kindness, inherent goodness, love and compassion for others. These are great gifts which the Narcissist can only ever dream of because they are lost to him/ her forever. 

Ever heard the saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it”? Well, the Narcissist is like a spoilt child who won’t stop tinkering and trying to make their favourite toy better. Inevitably, they will break it, when it was already perfect how it was. They may break your spirit, but they can never take your beautiful soul away from you. My spirit was broken over and over again by my ex (narc) but it has now returned, stronger than ever. 

Remember that you are on ‘your’ schedule now, NOT theirs any longer. This may take time. Allow yourself as long as you need to heal from the terrible trauma you have endured throughout this relationship. But heal you will! I promise! Your mental and physical health are so very precious. 

At first, they will only begin to return very gradually, but as time goes on, you will begin to see things in a brand new, more positive light. Protect and nurture your mental and physical health and they will grow from tiny seeds of hope into blossoming flowers in full bloom. 

Be kind and very patient with yourself. This WILL happen, but because it may have been so long since you allowed your instinct, intuition and self-love to work for you (in my case 15 years), it may simply take a long time for them to come back. But ‘come back’ they will! You will eventually feel stronger and healthier than ever before. You will then see every new day as a blessing and you will be wide awake to all of the wonderful joys in life which have been denied to you for so long. 

All of this is ‘THEIR’ tragedy. Don’t allow it to be yours by staying any longer once this realization finally hits you. 

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‘The Devil’ and ‘My Saviour’

Following on from my post on Wednesday about our intuition and how it will help you to know when someone is a Narcissist.

This is one of those times when I have had to revisit the most traumatic events in my life and how I knew (even when I was teetering on the brink of life and death) that my ex-partner was a true example of a Narcissist.

If you read my previous blog posts, you will know that I had a near-fatal 50ft fall in May 2022, which left me with life-threatening and life-changing injuries. 

On that night, my eldest daughter who was 34 followed the ambulance in a Garda car to the emergency room of the hospital where a whole team immediately started working on me to try and save my life. She didn’t know who else to call, so she rang my partner in a state of shock. 

He immediately started shouting at her, asking her how she could let this happen. He then proceeded to turn up very quickly at the hospital emergency room and began trying to kick the doors in. He was screaming and shouting obscenities. 

By this time, my daughter was inside while a whole team of doctors, nurses and surgeons were desperately trying to save me. She later told me that she could hear the commotion outside and knew it was him. She went out to him and told him to calm down and that they were working on me to save me at that very moment. 

She then went to the staff on duty and said that if he continued to act in this manner, they should call the Guards (Irish Police) and have him forcibly removed if necessary. 

She came out about 10 minutes later and he was standing against the wall with his arms crossed saying nothing. 

After this, she was asked to come to me and say goodbye as I had a major internal bleed which they couldn’t find. This was when they were forced to get the ‘rib-spreaders’ out in surgery. After about an hour, they came back out to her and told her that they had found it. She was incredibly relieved as, at this point, she had thought that I was going to die that night. 

I had fallen and landed on my feet, breaking both legs, smashing my pelvis and separating it from my spine. However, I think my dear mum was watching over me that night because my spinal cord remained intact and I had not landed on my head, which would have been the end for me. 

After the hospital had put metal rods down both my femurs and sewn me up from all the wounds I had, they sent me to the Mater Hospital in Dublin where I was in a coma for three weeks. They reattached my pelvis to my spine with metal and had kept a close eye on my brain because I had banged my head as I fell and suffered a stroke. 

I was on a ventilator throughout this time as I was unable to even breathe for myself. 

My youngest daughter immediately came back from Manchester where she works and was there by my side. 

During this time my Narcissist partner came to see me twice. I was in ICU and he removed his face mask (COVID was still a threat at this time) and kissed me on the lips. As I was extremely vulnerable and still close to death at this point, my eldest daughter told him he should not have done that because of the threat it could be to my life. An argument immediately followed where he insisted he wasn’t in the wrong and was entitled to do as he wanted, as per usual. This was all going on while I was helpless and unable to defend myself. 

Looking back now, I can see that my now ex-partner would have relished the opportunity of ‘playing’ the grieving partner. This changed however, when I began breathing for myself again and gradually, slowly began to improve. 

My eldest daughter was by my side every single day, playing music to me, reading me books and massaging my arms and legs. She believed that these things can help someone in a coma to come back from their unconscious state. Well, it worked! 

You may have noticed that on the night of my accident and afterwards my then partner never once asked about me or offered my daughter a kind or comforting word. After all, this was about him and his feelings, no one else. 

It took a long time, but very gradually I slowly came around to myself and once I started to improve, he showed little or no interest in coming to see me. My daughter had to ‘beg’ him on many occasions to come in and see me because I was asking for him. 

When he did come, even though I was still deathly ill, he would physically ‘bristle’ when I held my arms out for a hug. I could ‘feel’ that he didn’t want to be anywhere near me and he never once said anything to reassure me or show that he cared. This is, as I said in my last post, because the Narcissist ‘hates’ being around sick people or those who are in pain, either physically or mentally. 

My Narcissist was only interested in me when he thought I was going to die so that he could ‘feign’ concern as the grieving partner. 

He visited me a handful of times for the 6 long months I then spent in hospital improving. 

Eventually, I gave up hoping that he cared and my darling daughter was by my side every moment. She saw me through so many operations, sepsis and pneumonia and this must have been massively traumatizing to her. She never knew if I would be brain-damaged or severely mentally or physically disabled after my fall, but because she has great compassion and empathy, she never left my side. It must have been so terrible for her, all of that ‘not knowing’. 

My ex-partner never once gave her a moment’s support. This was no longer just about him remember? Therefore, he wanted to distance himself from the whole thing, distance himself from having to ‘pretend’ to care or show ‘fake’ concern for me or my daughter. 

This is true Narcissistic, selfish behaviour which is at its height when they are most needed. 

After a few months, I stopped hoping to see him, but lived for the moments when my daughter was there, right by my side because she really DID care and showed great compassion every single day. She constantly tried to reassure me and revealed such a depth of love that I never thought possible. 

The final visit my ex-partner made to see me was with a moment’s notice that he was in the garage down the road and he would pop in to see me. 

This is when he told me that he no longer found me attractive and didn’t love me. I had pneumonia at the time but never mentioned it to him because I had long since given up on receiving any compassion from him. 

My eldest daughter was there every step of the way and I know that if it wasn’t for her unwavering and absolute faith in me, that I would have had nothing left to live for. She was and always will be my ‘guiding light’ and has been there for me giving nothing but patience, love and genuine compassion until I can finally now stand strong, both physically and mentally. I am now utterly free of my Narcissist’s control and domination. 

I just wish that he had told me that he had already found his new ‘supply’ whilst I was in hospital instead of lying about it. That would have been too much to expect however, as it would have meant being ‘honest’ and ‘exposed’ – the two things which the Narcissist will avoid at all costs. 

I still live with my eldest daughter now and we are the best friends in the whole world to each other. Such a pity I spent all those long years with a ‘fake’.

Please don’t do this to yourself for someone who isn’t worthy of licking your boots. 

Who would ever have thought that the tiny bundle of joy I held in my arms when I was just 22 years old would turn out to be my Saviour! 

My ‘Song of the Week’ this Monday is dedicated especially to her. It is ‘Take Me Home’ by Jess Glynne because she has taken me home to myself again! I will be forever grateful to her for her incredible strength and courage when I was so utterly lost and needed her so much! 

❤️ Thank you My Beautiful Child. You are truly a gift from God! ❤️

❤️🙏❤️

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 12th June!

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Emotions – Curse or Gift??

Someone asked me this week how I have coped with so many things hitting me one after the other. If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you’ll know one of my daughters nearly died from a rare illness in 2019, I left my ex after a long 15 torturous years in November 2020. Then I had my life-threatening and life-changing fall which almost killed me in May 2022.

Well, I’m not superhuman and I definitely don’t have anything particularly special going on inside me. To be honest, I hadn’t thought about it like that, but when I answered I said that when one blow continually hits you after another, you just get used to it in the end. 

The reality is that when each of these things happened, every one of them felt like the end of the world and I felt so very alone. It’s incredible how your brain immediately switches from each traumatic event to the next. This is when you are operating in survival mode however, and in the long term you do need to revisit these events in order to heal from them. 

Unfortunately, there is no ‘magic’ pill to allow you to simply bypass trauma. If there was, it would seem so simple to move on from the what you have experienced and never think about it again. This is not the case though. 

Here is where you differ vastly from the Narcissist, who can do just that. They can move on very quickly, seeking the ’rush’ that each new relationship or challenge brings instead of taking the time to learn from trauma, mistakes or the damage they have inflicted upon others so that in the future they will not repeat the same cycle over and over again. Instead, they prefer instant gratification which is not compatible with real, enduring love and hence their insatiable appetite will never be satisfied.

The rest of us feel real love, concern, compassion, empathy and heartache which, in life will inevitably happen at some point. I think the important ‘take away’ from all of this, is that we ‘DO;’ learn from experiences in life, even extreme trauma. This then enlightens us to better understand and empathise with others. As complex beings, we have been given a great gift in being able to share and support each other through all of our trials. The Narcissist can only ‘feign’ these qualities and emotions however. Their inner self is damaged, shallow and self-obsessed. This means that when they encounter trauma or the pain of others, they can only ‘pretend’ to care and generally prefer to distance themselves from it in case their ‘cover is blown’. When an individual is suffering, the last person they need anywhere near them is a Narcissist!

When we are in pain, be it physical, psychological, emotional, grief or fear, we are wide awake to those qualities in others and we can intuitively ‘sense’ when someone really and truly cares OR when someone is simply making a shallow attempt at ‘pretending’ to care or understand what we are going through. 

‘Words are cheap’ is a well-known phrase, but simply ‘being there’ and listening is sometimes all that is needed. It can mean the world to someone who is in so much pain and doesn’t know how to go on. 

There is a lot in my life that I have yet to share, but I never forget that no matter what I have been through, there is always someone who has been through much worse. 

You may decide that you would like to speak with a counsellor, a trusted friend, or simply write a journal of your feelings. But it is important to let those feelings come out in some form so that they’re not always trapped inside. It will eventually feel very liberating to let all your demons out and face them. 

Unfortunately, with pain (like many other things in life) we cannot go ‘around it’. We have to go ‘through it’. 

Demons can seem and feel like monsters when they are trapped inside, going round and around in your head, but once you turn and face them, you realise that they have no power over you. They are weak and pathetic. Such is the Narcissist. You deserve to continue on your journey, feeling both wiser and happier.  

Go ‘NO CONTACT’ with your Narcissist. I know it will feel so hard at first… but this is the only way to go in order to heal from all the damage they have done to you and you will finally be free to find yourself again. 

Time is really important. Time to allow healing to take place…. ❤️

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Narcissist Versus Empath

Again, this week I have had messages from others who are trapped in a relationship with a Narcissist and feel so terribly alone. 

Unfortunately, this is part and parcel of being in such a relationship. These people gradually isolate you from friends and family and you are unable to even face coming home from work to the place in which you should feel is your safe haven. Instead you dread coming home because you know that you will be dominated, criticised and devalued by the person who you should be able to rely on for genuine love, care and understanding. 

The simple truth is that you ARE alone in this relationship. Please remember that there is no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM’, which is what you should both be. Because they see you as playing for the opposite team and deep down inside, they envy you and you will always be seen as their primary target/ opponent in an imaginary game of chess which you will never win. Once you realise that this is what your life has become, is it really surprising that you feel so very alone and unloved? 

Never forget that these individuals have a Personality Disorder. This is not something that counseling or therapy will cure. Whilst the synapses in the frontal lobe of OUR brains are constantly firing and creating neural pathways to match logic and reason with emotion, the neural pathways in this area of the Narcissistic Sociopath’s brain is virtually empty. Hence, this leads them to never experience the emotions which link actions to consequences. They have no filter and never feel bad about anything they have ever done or said.

The majority of us would say that we have a ‘conscience’. This prevents us from doing things to purposely hurt or damage others because it would automatically make us feel guilty or sorry for our actions. 

Make no mistake, Narcissists have no moral compass. They are greedy, self-obsessed individuals who are devoid of empathy or compassion for others. They never feel regret for their actions, no matter how heinous. The only real tears or emotions you will see a Narcissist experience are utterly self-centred as they can only feel real concern for themselves. Don’t be fooled by their pathetic attempts to ‘feign’ concern for you or anyone else.

They only allow people around them who they see as happy to live in their shadow and look up to them. Narcissists are habitual liars remember, and they will very probably be lying to any underlings who fall for their ‘fakery’ about you, ensuring that they gain concern as the victim in your relationship. 

It matters not how much they may tell you that they want to change. This is not possible and will NEVER happen.

‘You’ however, have an escape route from this life of misery. You have all of the qualities which the Narcissist is so very jealous of. You are loyal, compassionate, empathetic and feel genuine emotions because your brain is not devoid of these neural pathways. You have developed maturity and have learned from experiences and guidance, the difference between right and wrong. You are a thousand miles away from the spoilt emotional ‘toddler’ which your Narcissistic partner still is and always will be! 

In the grand scheme of things, you are still capable of making and maintaining genuine human relationships. This will take time (maybe a long time) but you will begin to notice that people ‘warm’ to you and enjoy being around you. These can be real, enduring friendships and connections, which the Narcissist can never achieve. 

Remember, as I have said previously, that you can find your ‘happy’ things again. No matter how gradually it happens, please know that the feelings of utter hopelessness and loneliness you have/ or had when in such a relationship, will be replaced with a renewed joy in living again, and you will be free to be your authentic self.

Now THAT is someone worth getting to know again!  

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Next post will be published on Saturday 1st June!

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‘Love Bombing’ – Endorphins and Dopamine

Following on from my last Blog Post, I would like to further explain what I know about the ‘love bombing’ phase of a relationship with a narcissist and the reason why it is so important to understand how and why it leads to your eventual downfall. 

Obviously, you never start out a new relationship knowing that it will gradually but surely result in feelings of desperation, worthlessness and deep depression. However, when this type of ‘trauma bonding’ begins, the narcissist will very quickly shower you with praise, affection and ‘appear’ to be the soulmate you always sought in life. This phase may last for many months until the narcissists feels that you are so attached to them that they have achieved their goal of domination and control over you. You will then start to feel your sense of self slowly begin to erode and constantly try to jump high enough, give enough, love enough… The list goes on. That is not how a healthy loving reciprocal relationship begins however. It takes time to build deep and enduring love. This does not appeal to the Narcissist, who always wants instant gratification and this is why they shower you with so many compliments that the endorphin and dopamine chemicals will light up the pleasure centres in your brain. At this stage you are like a fly trapped in a spider’s web and devaluation of who you are begins. 

My 15-year nightmare began in exactly this way. He would utter comments such as “I adore you” or do things for me to make me feel that I was very special and unique. This is true of course, because I am ‘special’ and ‘unique’, but this has nothing to do with the narcissist. The ‘love-bombing’ phase is the ‘grooming’ of the narcissist’s victim and only those lucky enough to spot the ‘red flags’ early on will find the strength to simply walk away. 

For others, this ‘love bombing’ will cease when it is no longer necessary to the narcissist. After all, they do not ‘feel’ any of the earlier admiration which they feigned in order to attain control over you. It is very important to understand that they do not really ‘feel’ any of those emotions towards you. They only have the ability to ‘fake’ them and they do an expert job of this. The only person they ‘do’ have feelings for is themselves.

Then, the ‘devaluation’ phase begins. They begin to destroy any self-confidence you have and take advantage of your inherent goodness and any insecurities you may have by beginning to demand things of you and constantly criticising your every move. At first, they will apologize for upsetting you, the person who they ‘pretend’ to love so much. But make no mistake, this is done purposefully so they can achieve their end goal, which is total domination and control. 

You were not targeted by them because you are bad or contemptible, rather because they realize you are an ‘empath’ , someone who truly cares for others. Narcissists are envious of these qualities because they don’t have them and so your devaluation begins. 

The dopamine and endorphins which at first flooded your brain with feelings of euphoria, will no longer be present and you will spend months and often years trying to once again experience that incredible high which the narcissist ignited in you. 

Instead, you will start to accept any small crumbs of affection or hope which they allow you, resulting in a constant ‘fight or flight’ state. 

After this, you will then begin to feel depressed most of the time and extremely anxious when around them. You will simply want to ‘numb’ your feelings because they are so painful. Please believe me when I say that you could turn yourself inside out or stand on your head for 24 hours and it still wouldn’t be enough. Basically, unless you are doing something which will benefit them, then you have no purpose in their selfish lives. 

I bought my ex a brand new car, several motorbikes, whatever he wanted. His gratitude was always fleeting and generally lasted a few weeks at best. 

You will never again feel that ‘high’ or see that person because they were never real in the first place. Once their ‘mask’ has slipped, you will be left alone with someone who drags you down day by day until you become a shadow of your former self. I am not overstating it when I say that they will destroy you from the inside out. 

As an empath, you may try to help them to see things as they really are. I did just that and I can’t believe how much of my precious time I wasted on this person. Don’t forget that they have no empathy, no compassion for others, no patience or understanding and are incapable of feeling real true love. This is their tragedy because without experiencing these genuine emotions, their lives are hollow and empty, so empty in fact that they need to attach themselves to someone who has all of these qualities and drain them like the parasites that they really are. 

My narcissistic ex has moved on to his new ‘supply’ and I know it will only be a matter of time before she begins to experience all of this and possibly more. It is not possible for narcissists to grow up, mature or learn from experience. They simply repeat the same pattern over and over again. 

I, on the other hand, have taken the time (a long time) to allow myself to heal and realize that I am so lucky to have been given all of these precious qualities which the narcissist is jealous of. 

Now I can see how much damage he did to me, how he decimated my life, how he cut me off from my friends and family and how all he brought to my life was neglect, ‘gaslighting’, emotional, psychological, financial and verbal abuse. For others, physical abuse will also be a factor.

You were given dopamine and endorphins to allow ‘you’ to experience happiness and they WILL return to you, no matter how impossible it may seem at your darkest moments. 

You WILL again be able to wake up and look forward to all the small joys in life that were denied to you for so very long. Your self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth WILL all return, along with your ‘sense of self’ and who you really are. These things have not disappeared, never to be seen again. They are simply hiding away deep inside you until it is safe to come out again! 

Be kind and patient with yourself and allow your tears to flow. But once you have done this, you will slowly, but surely begin to enjoy life again. Not only will you come out of the other side wiser, but you will be stronger, much stronger! 

Then is the time to find your happy things and allow only positive people into your life. As I’ve said before, every long journey begins with the first step. 

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 29th May!

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Recovery…

I am still awaiting the Garda investigation into the fraud committed against me by my ex after he signed my car over to himself and his new ‘supply’ whilst I was still very ill in hospital after my fall. 

Apparently these things are always very slow to move forward, so I’ll just have to be patient. 

I’ve been very busy all week continuing my rebuttal of all the lies my ex has given in his defence re: the sale of the house we both jointly own. As I’ve said before, I have so much evidence of the truth, that I find his lies quite pathetic now. 

Anyway, moving on from these 2 issues, I am getting on with my life and recovery. I have been hitting the gym really hard and taking any frustrations I have out by exercising them away. Basically, I’ve been using any nervous energy I have as a strength to exercise physically. Whatever you decide to use as ‘your’ weapon, instead of the ‘dagger to your heart’ which your ex constantly stabbed you with over and over again, it really will work! Whatever you choose to do, whether it be a stroll in the woods amongst nature, sketching, painting, knitting, sewing, dancing, singing, reading, starting your own blog or anything else which you find therapeutic, it will make you feel better and stronger mentally and physically. This is because your body’s own chemicals such as dopamine and endorphins will begin to flow through your bloodstream again. You may have forgotten how positive these things used to make you feel because you have been denied them for so long. These are your body’s “feel good” chemicals and they’re there for you and no one else! 

When you are finally free of simply having to ‘numb’ your feelings (because you are being tortured on a daily basis) you will feel much better every time you use your chosen things as your own ‘super powers’ in order to find yourself again!

Please don’t think that I say this thinking that it will be an easy step to take, or that you will want to jump up and get on the treadmill or join a salsa dancing class. If you read my past blogs, you will know that it has taken me a long hard 3 years to get to this point. Just before Christmas last year, after more of my narcissistic ex’s persecution, all I wanted to do was die and I tried to commit suicide. 

However, by New Year’s Eve I made a promise to myself that 2024 would be the year of ‘me’ taking care of ‘myself’ and put those tortuous feelings aside. I have kept that promise to myself and I now feel stronger, both mentally and physically. Whenever these thoughts come into my head, I push them out of reach and take care of ‘me’ and ‘my’ needs.

Your journey may be long and arduous, but I promise that it will be the best, most rewarding journey you will ever take for yourself. Isn’t that better than living a life of misery with someone who never deserved you in the first place?!!

Each step you take, no matter how small, will bring you such incredible rewards that you will eventually be so proud of yourself that you will realize how insignificant and irrelevant that person was to your life and

you will NEVER want to go back to that living nightmare ever again!

I pray that if you are still living in that nightmare, that you will find a way to escape from their total domination and control over you, so that your healing can start. Believe me that the sooner you do this for yourself, the faster your healing will begin. 

After 15 long years of hell, it has taken me 3 years to find myself again and so can you! Life should be happy and fun and ‘emotional vampires’ have no place in it! 

As a wise older lady once said to me: 

“Love many, marry few, but ALWAYS paddle your own canoe!” 

How right she was!

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Next post will be published on Saturday 25th May

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Moving On…

This week has been tough to get through due to my ex-partner’s continuing ridiculous and pathetic demands. However, I am finally in a place where I won’t allow it to affect me the way it always used to. 

Last year felt as if I was constantly dodging bullets from him. This year, however, I am finally free of his influence on me. 

After 15 years of the hell that he put me through, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel which I had previously thought I would never find a way out of. Well that light is now shining brighter and brighter, so that now all I can do is move towards it and further away from all the pain he deliberately inflicted upon me. I have finally found myself and my happy place again! 

Please don’t misunderstand me. This has been a LONG journey and, at times, I wasn’t even capable of seeing it. But it has slowly been dawning on me that the more I get out there and allow my light to shine, the more I believe in myself. Now I know I ‘can’ and ‘will’ do this for me! 

That is something which a narcissist will take away from you. When you are finally free from this relationship. You will slowly, sometimes very slow, but surely find yourself again. ‘Hope’ is something which they took from you. This leads to despair and you find it hard to believe that you will ever have it again. But the truth is that if you allow yourself all the time you need to heal, then ‘hope’ and ‘your’ life and ‘your’ future will gradually return. This is a wonderful revelation that will become stronger and stronger as you face each day. The ‘fog’ which you have been living in for so many years begins to clear and you can finally see things as they really are and not the false/fake, depressing reality which your Narcissist forced you to accept as your lot. 

One thing is certain, you will never again allow anyone to degrade, humiliate or destroy your self-worth ever again, 

Do the things you used to love, try new things that may scare you at first. Let the day be yours, not belong to someone who simply wants to dim your light and you will eventually begin to feel your self-worth and confidence in yourself begin to return.

When I’m having a tough time finding the motivation to do things which may now scare me, I ‘feel the fear’ and do them anyway! I promise you that each step you take towards yourself, is a step further away from your abuser and eventually, the only regret you will have is that you didn’t escape from this control sooner. You have one life and it is a gift which ‘you’ have been given. It was never intended for someone else to take away from you. You will see ‘Red Flags’ from a mile away and will avoid them like the plague because that is exactly what you need to do to find happiness and balance in your life again.

Be proud that each small accomplishment you achieve is going to lead to more and more positivity in your life! 

Eventually, you will see that relationship was a nightmare that is now over and you have awoken to a brand new world of possibilities! 

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 22nd May!

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Advice…

This week, I have been reading a lot of messages from sufferers of narcissistic abuse. Many of them seem to feel very alone in their suffering and that they are far from escaping from their incredibly painful lives. Others have made the move to get away from their relationship, but feel that they are falling apart. 

PLEASE… PLEASE… if you are feeling this way, never forget that you were NOT born to become someone’s doormat. You were born to be yourself. You are unique and very special, despite what has happened to you. Try to remember that there WAS a time when you were allowed to have your own thoughts and emotions, without fear of constant judgment or criticism. There WAS a time when you KNEW who you were and deep down, who you still are! 

The trauma that you have suffered has made you think that you need this person because you now feel worthless and unimportant. This is NOT  the case. You were and still are an empathetic person who always tries to understand how someone else feels. Unfortunately, this sometimes comes at the cost of thinking about how YOU actually feel. 

Living with a narcissist is like a very slow brainwashing and conditioning, so that in the end, you lose your sense of self and worth. 

If you have managed to free yourself and think you are lost and hopeless, please try to look at your situation in a different way. The truth is that you have just escaped your worst enemy. The famous saying that ‘The Devil hides in plain sight’ is particularly true of these relationships, because whilst declaring how much they love you, they are repeatedly stabbing you in the back. 

The trauma will be extremely hard to deal with. You may need counselling or simply a trusted friend to listen. However, this is your first step to “finding” yourself again! You should allow yourself time and be proud of taking this first step because it will lead to many more, each one taking you further away from your enemy and closer to accepting the wonderful being that you are, with all the gifts you have been given such as empathy, compassion, love and understanding. 

I wish I could say that this will be easy, but unfortunately in life, sometimes we have to go through the pain to ‘process’ and come to terms with it. It takes time to retrain your mind into knowing and acknowledging your worth. However, the narcissist could live for an eternity and will never feel any of these wonderful gifts. In truth, they are jealous that you can feel what they cannot and are envious of your genuine nature. That is why they feel the need to tear you down and pretend to any of the few friends they may have that they are living in a terrible relationship and that YOU are the one to blame. The truth is and always has been that you are much better as a human being in every way than they can ever hope to be. 

Take lots of time and very, very slowly allow yourself to feel your OWN emotions again. Let the tears fall and you will gradually, little by little realize that you deserve so much better! 

I’ve been through all of the fear and terror of feeling that I needed my narcissist back. I can tell you though, that after you have been through this storm, you will eventually start to see things in a new and much more positive light. This is an invaluable lesson to you and one day, on the horizon, you will see the sun rise again. You will NEVER allow anyone to degrade or demoralize you ever again. 

It took me 3 years of pain and gradual healing after my 15-year relationship ended, to come to this realization. But now that I am free to find life an exciting adventure and no longer a nightmare, I would never wish it any other way. I value all the small things I used to love about life and now realize that I was not born to be tortured either. I was born to be ‘me’, not a ‘version of me’ that was never real. 

Please believe me when I say that this will come to you also. You have to go through darkness to find the light – but what a wonderful light it is!

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 15th May!

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Get the F**k Out of my House!

It still perplexes me how my ex now has a woman living in the house we jointly own and yet still refuses me access. 

In the apartment where my daughter and I live, there are 4 flights of stairs up to enter and exit the property. My ex is well aware of this and knows that it has impeded my recovery in learning to walk again. He has consistently refused to allow me to return there in order to practise my walking. The house has a wide flat path which wraps right around it and is also very large inside, whereas the apartment I now live in only has minimal space internally. 

As I now know, he has had this complete stranger living there with him since before I had even left hospital after my 50-foot fall in May 2022. So clearly, this has been the real reason that he has always denied me access. 

When I think back to how poorly I was on leaving hospital, after those long 6-months and multiple operations, it seems beyond cruel that he repeatedly lied to me saying that he was not seeing anyone and was living there alone. However, to his narcissistic mind, this probably seemed totally justifiable and why would he complicate things by simply telling the truth. After all, we are talking about a habitual liar who has no conscience or empathy towards other people. I suppose to put it in a nutshell, the one way to tell if a narcissist is lying is that their lips are moving! Basically, you can never trust a word that comes out of their mouths. 

I remember once, years ago, when he had driven me into clinical depression and I was sobbing my heart out and trying to explain what he was doing to me, he admitted to me that every time I opened my mouth to speak, he would just stop listening. Any normal human being with compassion and understanding would want to hear what was making their partner so very depressed and anxious. However, he is a narcissistic sociopath and can only ‘fake’ these emotions because he never actually feels them. So every time I thought he was hearing me, he was obviously thinking about motors or sports and bored rigid as I wept tears of hopelessness. 

When I think of the day this last February when I went over to collect my furniture and belongings (with a Garda presence in case he was there to cause an obstruction) I can’t fathom how a total stranger had the cheek to go up to the Garda car and ask if I had any right to just turn up there like that – to my OWN house! Obviously, the Garda told her that I had every right because it was my house. She then rang my ex (who was at work) immediately and both mine and my daughter’s phones were constantly blowing up with calls from him. We didn’t hear them ring because we were busy retrieving my belongings which they had enjoyed for at least the previous two years, possibly much longer. 

So his new partner obviously threw herself a huge ‘pity party’ to him and he clearly ‘feigned’ great concern that I had upset her so much. You may remember that he said I was dead to him etc.. At the time, those words really cut me deeply. After all, I had nearly died previously and hovered between life and death for some time. Where was my ‘pity’ party?! 

Well I’ve come to learn how resilient all his torture has made me and I have no need for ‘fake’ emotion. I simply do what has to be done and never give up. I obviously have ups and downs, but that’s life, so I’ve learned how to roll with the punches. 

I would say that I pity her because she has no idea what is coming her way. However, she has obviously been aware of the fact that she has been living in my lovely house and gardens whilst I have been denied access. Therefore, all I can say to her is ‘good luck!’ because she’s certainly going to need it. 

As I‘ve said previously, I have gone down the correct legal route and I am coming for him! She will undoubtedly be devastated when they are forced to leave my house by the courts and she can no longer play ‘Lady of the Manor’. 

My heart bleeds for both of them… 😂…. and in the words of my song of the week – 

                           “Get the f**k out of my house with that sh*t!”

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Next post will be published on Saturday 11th May !

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Looking Back…

This week has been full of gym and physio activities and also a time of further reflection for me. 

The old saying “If only I knew then what I know now” keeps springing to mind. There was a time when I thought my ex was my “forever person”, but with his constant control of everything I did and criticism of me and everyone else, his ‘mask’ slowly but surely began to slip. 

To this day, I still can’t believe I allowed him to treat me so badly, and still I stayed. 

I’ve since read a lot about malignant narcissists and he is a ‘textbook’ case. I think he chose me because I was strong, but also an empath. I know now that they pick others with these qualities because it’s a challenge to them to gradually beat you down, whilst knowing that because you are empathetic, you will constantly be trying to understand how they feel and not be judgemental. 

This of course is your undoing, because if you really could see what lurks behind that ‘Prince Charming’ facade and constant ‘gaslighting’, you would run a mile. 

Instead, you try to help them become better kinder people (all to no avail). You really are wasting your precious time, because they will NEVER change and all that happens is that you are ‘dragged down’ day by day until you become a shadow of your former self. Even a simple conversation has to be turned into a challenge that they must win in order to feel validated, They see you as something they want to be, but also as their adversary because they cannot feel real love, gratitude, kindness or generosity. They only feel for themselves and will NEVER grow up. 

But for you, there IS hope. When you reach the bottom of that very dark tunnel and you finally find a way out, little by little, you will find yourself again. I know this becaue I have been to that dark, dark place and now I am free to be ‘me’ again. It’s allowed me to gain appreciation for all of those gifts I have been given and learn to put my happiness first! 

I never allow negative people into my life now, but there are so many good and decent people out there. You just need time to heal and let positivity come into your life again. The longer you remain, the longer healing will take, but it WILL happen if you allow yourself time to recover from all the trauma they put you through.

Healing is gradual, but it WILL come once you are free of your torturer and you will finally be able to see every day as a wonderful gift that you are allowed to enjoy once again. 

One thing is for sure, you will finally realise your worth and will NEVER allow a narcissist anywhere near you ever again. So escaping this dystopian relationship is the best gift you can give yourself, so it’s a ‘WIN, WIN’ for you!

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 8th May!

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Are things finally looking up?

Finally, this week I have had some promising news. 

I can’t give too many details for legal reasons. However, as I’ve said previously, my narcissistic ex has been living in the house that we jointly own with his new partner (supply) for at least 2 years, whilst refusing to allow me to return there to support my recovery from the life-threatening and life-changing 50ft fall which I had in May 2022. He actually insured both himself and her as drivers at that address in MY car, 2 days before I had even left hospital, after a long 6 month stay. I only found this out very recently and it still disgusts me that anyone can be so deceptive and callous to someone who they spent 15 years living with, 

My solicitor has actually been on the case for some time, and my daughter, who is a data specialist, has been collating, documenting and disgitizing all of my accounts and expenditure throughout those years. I always kept records, statements and invoices and I used to wonder why I did this. I am now so glad that I was so diligent because the facts and figures tell a very different story to the one which my ex wants everyone to believe. However, unlike my narcissistic ex, facts and figures don’t lie!

My solicitor has come back to me and said that this financial evidence is highly detailed and shows just how much I had paid to keep us afloat throughout those 15 years. It even shocked me when I saw the details! I WILL get my day in court and because he destroyed my sense of self so badly, while I was with him, he has failed to realize that I am now strong again and ‘I AM COMING FOR HIM!!!’ So for a change, he will be the one on the receiving end, not me. 

He will totally lose his s**t when he is made to face the facts, but I could care less what he thinks. He is a sick individual and deserves whatever justice is meted out to him. He’d better have all his ducks in a row now.

When the time comes, I will stand under my own steam in court and face him, I’m proud of myself now and all the effort I put in constantly to recover, both physically and mentally. He has no shame, but he will regret pushing for this. The funniest thing is that he asked for this court action and finally has no one to blame but his own ‘sick’ self! 😁

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Next post will be published on Saturday 4th of May!

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Narcissists Trust No-One

I remember that my ex-partner was always telling me that his mother had lots of different secret bank accounts which his dad knew nothing about. Whenever he spoke of her, it was always with disdain and thinly veiled suspicion.

As far as I know, she worked full time for many years and when I met her, she seemed a very submissive. 

She certainly never came across as the mastermind criminal which my then partner had alluded to. I actually felt sorry for her, because she had lived in an era where the man had all the power and held all the purse strings (much like my own darling mum). Her husband constantly spoke down to her and my partner barely spoke to her at all when they vistited. At one point, I stepped in and told his father not to speak to her like that. 

Now of course, it all makes sense to me. My ex-partner never trusted his mother and as a child, he saw her as someone he never wanted to become. His grandmother was a strong, old school influence upon him and she gave him respect for strong women. 

However I can see that coupled with his nature and his nurturing, this was the birth of his narcissistic personality.

My ex-partner spent most of his life adoring ‘strong’ women, but then he was always compelled to destroy that strength and ‘drag it down’ until they became a shadow of their real selves.

This is exactly what he did to me, but I am strong now and much wiser. I suppose every bad experience is a lesson well learned and that relationship was no exception.

I think my ex presumed that I was spending money secretly and wrongly presumed that I had secret bank accounts, a reminder of his insinuations against his mother.

However, I kept my UK bank account and had my Irish accounts which he was always well aware of. He was always asking me what the money he was giving me was being spent on. This was always my reason for asking him to take over the finances – because I wanted him to realize how difficult it was to juggle the mortgage, all the bills and food expenses. Of course this was met with him refusing the offer because he didn’t want the responsibility.

So it all lay with me. I constantly had to use my overdraft facilities to maintain the house and garden, plus the ‘next’ thing he wanted me to pay for. To be honest, it was miserable, but I never complained because he always made me feel that I should be grateful for his monthly payments.

This will all come out in court anyway, so I will finally be vindicated for the over-spending, which he always accused me of.

I cannot say that I want to go to court, but now I am determined to see this all through to the end! I will enter and leave the court room with my head held high and will finally be proud that I’ve had the strength and determination to face my ‘tormentor’, look him in the eye and tell the truth.

My solicitor has all of my finances and my ex will have no choice but to sit down and listen. To be honest, I will relish this opportunity to finally make him ‘hear’ me. It has been a long time coming but it will be worth the wait when the truth finally comes out, not the deceptive lies that he has told himself and others! All I can say to anyone else suffering from narcissistic abuse is to bide your time, allow yourself to heal and then show them your truth and your integrity. This is something they’ve never had, so they will hate knowing that you still do, even after all of their torment! 

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 1st of May!

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The Blame Game

When I look back to the start of our relationship all those long years ago, I can see that there were warning signs from the start. 

My now ex-partner, as I’ve said previously, was very loving, adoring and continually telling me how gorgeous and lovely I was. All his fancy meals and taking me out to show me off around his friends seemed amazing to me. 

However, even then, this was all a very clever ‘ruse’ to disguise the domineering, controlling, gaslighting and abusive side of his personality that lay beneath. 

Even then he was controlling. He always wanted to know what I had planned for the day if I was off work, always wanted to choose what we would buy to eat, always needed financial help/ support, because he has never been able to manage them on his own even though he has always been on a much higher salary than me. At the time, I didn’t realize that these were really ‘red flags’ which I should have taken notice of.

To feel so adored and constantly ‘gaslit’ by him, seemed to ‘mask’ any warning signs that my intuition was giving me. I thought he had found his perfect match in me because he ‘mirrored’ all my likes and dislikes, laughed at my little jokes and showed me off to his friends. Oh, we were happy for the first few years, but even then, something deep inside me was silently rebelling against his control. 

Little did I know that he was slowly but surely snipping away at my confidence, self esteem and my sense of self. I thought I was different from the ones who had gone before me and who he described as ‘crazy’ and needed counselling. How wrong I was. 

Eventually, his misogyny started to surface and now I truly believe that deep down, these men actually ‘hate’ the very women they profess to love. Life became a constant battle to keep up and be good enough. I kept everything spotless, cooked, and exercised constantly because he abhorred women who were either overweight or simply of average build. He made sure that if I bought the wrong food, or put anything in the wrong place, that I would be scolded and made to feel that I was never good enough. 

The debts continued to come and I was simply ‘expected’ to pay them off for him. He always had some glib excuse. He even went to a car showroom and showed me a new car that he wanted. I stupidly bought it for him, but again, as I’ve said previously, the ‘fakery’ and gratitude from him came in smaller and smaller doses each time I bought him something or did anything for him. Whenever I suggested doing things together, he would always say he didn’t like this or that, and replace my suggestion with his own choice . This became the norm. It simply wasn’t worth refusing.

I wish I had stood my ground all those years ago, because his criticism graduated into ‘shaming’ and ‘undermining’ me. If I had trusted in my intuition,  it wouldn’t have taken so long for me to regain my inner voice and strength.

The ‘blame game’ was his unique way of always making me feel that things were my fault and I would constantly be jumpy and anxious in his presence. He had to turn every conversation into a competition which he always had to win. This even included simple games such as Scrabble. How pathetic! He was constantly in a bad mood, so I was always making attempts to lift him up and pander to his whims. Not that I was ever credited for any of this. By this time, I was just a vessel into which he would pour his negativity and anger. 

Whenever he made a mistake or an error, he would gloss over it. But if I should make a mistake, I was harranged for it and made to feel stupid and worthless. 

The slightest thing could throw him into a huge ‘tantrum’ which had to be placated by me, even when it had nothing to do with me. 

Looking back now, I can see that he has always been selfish to the ‘core’ and he admitted to me on several occasions that he knows what love means, but that he doesn’t actually feel it the way others do, he just does things that convince the other person into thinking that he cares. Yes, ‘convince’ is the right word, because that is what he did to me for so long. He ‘convinced’ me to supply all his needs and requirements, whilst at the same time ‘dragging me down’.

I have entitled today’s blog ‘The Blame Game’ because that is all it is to them, a sick game which they relish playing. They will never accept that they are in the wrong. 

Torture may seem like a strong word to use, but living with a narcissist is exactly that, with no light at the end of the tunnel. It simply gets darker and darker.. 

When you finally see a chink of light, grab hold of it and don’t ever let it go, because a true partner will be your best friend, your support in times of need and give deep enduring love which a narcissist is incapable of. 

Even having just one friend or relative who you can trust may give you hope and join you in doing things that you like to do.

It might be having a ‘gym buddy’, watching a film on Netflix, or simply going for a walk and chatting without fear of attack or judgement. This will go such a long way to restoring all of those things which the narcissist took away from you.

This is no place in my life for negative, judgemental ‘emotional vampires’ anymore. I only allow positive souls into my life. 

   Don’t allow yourself to become trapped in the narcissist’s ‘Blame Game’.

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Next post will be published on Saturday 27th April!

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Further Betrayal

Having spent some time this week thinking about all of the deception and ‘gaslighting’ which my abusive ex-partner constantly used to keep me stressed and confused, I have begun to see the reality behind the ‘smoke screen’ that my ex-partner used to keep the truth from me. 

When I think back to our last year together, he was constantly spending more and more time at the new neighbours’ house and often went for dinner. Apart from his usual absences or psychological and emotional abuse, this was something quite new and which I simply accepted. At the time I had no choice.

However, when I think back now, in 2019, the new neighbours moved in and had friends from the UK often visit them. 

I didn’t leave for a break to live with my daughter until late 2020. Yet I still made several attempts to go back and try to make it work. Every time I returned, however, he showed no interest in me and made no effort to be in my company. 

Looking back now, I am convinced that he had already moved on to charming his way into his new partner’s emotions with the same pattern of ‘love-bombing’ he had used on me 15 years earlier. 

I had thought that he was only in the new relationship from 2022, but now I can see that even before I had finally broken completely, he was giving all the ‘fake’ love and attention to his new partner (supply). 

I actually think he probably had her living in my house with him from 2021 and that is when he began to refuse me access to my own house. 

I really don’t care what he does or who he does it with anymore, but that was clearly a betrayal, which again adds another string to his bow of lies! 

“How low can you go Joe?” 

It seems clear to me that these parasites have no conscience and do not value things such as love, caring, companionship or loyalty, the way others do. 

I wish you all the very best in the world if you are in such a relationship because I obviously saw this further betrayal of my love far too late.

It is pathetic that a man of nearly 60 years of age is still behaving like a teenage boy, but as I have said previously, they never mature, they never grow up and are totally self-serving. 

I have no time for such pitiful human beings any longer and I have learnt so many valuable lessons from the nightmare that I lived through for so long. No one will ever dim my light again. 

“Do not let them dim yours!”

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 24th April!

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My Quiet Little Angel

Today’s post is about my youngest daughter who is 27 years old.

As I spoke about in my blog post “When You Really Need Somone To Be There For You”, she was so close to death a few years ago that it was terrifying. I have always loved her and tried to protect her from anything or anyone who would do her harm. I love her with all my heart, but I let her down very badly in my previous 15-year relationship with my narcissistic ex-partner.

I tried so hard to be a strong role model and always to be there for her, but when I became clinically depressed through my ex’s treatment, I simply operated on ‘auto-pilot’ and I was not the mother I should have been to her. Oh, I was there, but I was heavily medicated and couldn’t be the strong emotional support that I should have been. 

My journal extract today reveals this, and I can hardly bare to think of the pain she was caused by my poor mental health. I have apologised for this so many times and will continue to do this until the day I die if she needs me to. 

Having been sexually, physically and emotionally abused as a child, it always horrifies me when people say that children are very resilient. Little ones are simply trying to negotiate and learn about the world around them and any damage that occurs when they are young leaves lasting scars. I know this better than most and yet I let my baby down so badly.

Saturday 6th November 2010

Recently very down. Nightmares about my past are becoming more frequent. They wake me early and I can’t sleep afterwards. Recollections of abuse have become more vivid – like pictures in my head that I can’t get rid of. 

My partner’s resentment of my child leaves me extremely stressed and guilty. My worst fear (apart from death) is that I would ever be the reason for my daughter feeling as bad about herself as I do….. She is only 13 years old and very confused. She feels my partner came along and destroyed her family and I let him do it. She has done her best to accept things but still struggles. We are the adults. I feel that he should be more understanding of her. He is always domineering and authoritative towards her. However, early on in our relationship, he was quite sweet towards her. This soon changed when he no longer felt he could charm her or that he even needed to. It’s as if he sees her as the enemy – ‘my child!’

He dotes on other people’s children and pretends that he loves them. Everyone thinks he is ‘soooo’ charming. But behind closed doors, he becomes like a ‘man-child’ who is jealous of my real child getting any attention. 

During the week, life is miserable. I spend my time trying to please, trying to keep the peace. I don’t want my child to have to stand up to a very strong, controlling and dominant adult male.

I protect her by doing everything around her so he doesn’t get annoyed and shout at her. I also do what he wants i.e. food, washing, tea, feeding pets, cleaning etc. so he feels looked after. However, he can’t control himself and always ends up telling her off or shouting at her for something. My daughter is actually a very quiet and shy girl who needs her confidence building. She is in this situation through no fault of her own. 

I am expected to treat his parents and children with total respect and look after them when they visit. His children are all adults now. However, my daughter is only 13 and has been in this situation since she was 8 years old. He clearly resents dealing with her every day. He doesn’t think that because of this, every day for me is a nightmare. Every bit of my being as a mother wants to protect my child. I may feel nothing for myself, but my children are my first real love and they always will be. Being a mother has been the one thing in my life that I know is so very, very important and I feel that he is taking this away from me. I don’t have family, friends or anyone close anymore who would understand this. I am used to dealing with things on my own since my own mum died. It is very hard and very lonely.

Obviously, my child was being emotionally and verbally abused, as well as being bullied by my ex-partner on ‘my watch’ as her mother, and for that, I will never forgive myself. 

Even after all of this, she has excelled academically, getting a First Class Bachelor of Science Honours degree in Digital Animation and is now working as a graphic designer in Manchester.

 I am so very, very proud of her! She has shone brightly and has a beautiful soul. For that, I will always be grateful. I pray that some of the bad memories from her childhood will not affect her later in life. She is and always will be my ‘quiet little angel’. 

When I am gone, I will be watching down on both of my girls and sending love and protection if I possibly can. I will be waiting up there for them both. To quote ‘Anson Seabra’ in his song ‘Welcome to Wonderland’ : 

 “Welcome to Wonderland, I’ll be your guide. Holding your hand under sapphire skies. Let’s go exploring or we could just go for a walk”.

This youngest child of mine has never once said that she feels any resentment towards me because she has such a gentle heart. She deserves a wonderful future and I pray that she will be happy and loved through all her days. 

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Next post will be published on Saturday 20th April!

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Nightmares & Bulimia

Today, I want to share an extract from my journal from November 2010. To put it into context, I am no longer in that place, thank God. After three years of living with my daughter, I have finally come out the other side. When I first escaped from my abusive ex, I was still having terrible panic attacks because I had been broken down to a place I never thought I could go to. 

It has taken a long time, but gradually, thanks to my daughter’s kind, patient and loving nature, these feelings have subsided and I have kept my promise to myself that I will focus on my recovery this year and will never allow myself to be treated so badly ever again. I know it has taken a long time, but it really is worth it because I have ‘felt the fear’ and ‘dread of life’ subside. Now I have hope again when I wake up every morning and can look forward, even to the smallest things in life. Fun and laughter now come naturally. I no longer have to hide myself away from life to escape all of that misery any more. 

I have regained my ‘inner strength’. The only caviat to this is the old saying – ‘You can’t go around it, you have to go through it.’ This is so true and the results have allowed me to see things as they really are and not as my ex-partner wanted me to see them. In short, I am now in a good, safe place. 

In this journal extract, I talk a little bit about bulimia which I suffered from. In a previous blog post “Misogyny and Control”, I spoke about how my ex-partner’s fat-shaming of all women was a trigger for my bulimia, but it was also a coping mechanism. Bulimia had haunted me for many years, getting worse and worse the longer I stayed with my ex-partner. Now it has completely gone, which I know is a direct result of living with my eldest daughter and the fact that I no longer suffer from all the stress I was living through trying to teach all day and then go home to be abused each evening, trying so hard to hold everything together.

Sunday 7th November, 2010

I have a constant fear of the worst thing happening. I have learnt that the bomb can always drop at any time and now I just wait for it and it always does in the end. The waiting is horrible. I’m frightened all the time. 

The feeling that I’m not good enough is reinforced when my partner shouts at me. When everything builds up it makes me feel like vomiting. He either shouts and undermines me or ignores me completely unless he wants something which always involves my money. I swallow my feelings down and withdraw, but sooner or later I will be overwhelmed and I will vomit them out. It’s horrible. I can’t escape. I wish I could just feel good about things, not bad all the time.

The bad feelings are lasting longer and longer. The nightmares I’m having are becoming more common and vivid all the time. I want to look forward but I can only look back because I’m trapped here. Whenever I sleep my dreams are haunted. Always bad – always so frightening. I never feel safe. 

How long can this go on for? I’m so frightened all the time. I just want it all to stop. Deep deep down, I now believe that I don’t deserve to be happy. I deserve to be tortured because I’m not perfect.

If you are in a situation like this and your intuition is telling you to escape, please get out for your own well-being. This is YOUR life and does not belong to a monster who tortures your every waking moment! 

As my ‘Song of the Week’ says, please don’t lie to yourself and spend years hoping that he/ she will change. This is impossible, because Narcissists and Sociopaths have personality disorders. They have no maturity and will NEVER move beyond a place of cruelty towards you, who they should see as their best friend. Please don’t spend the best years of your life with this person. They will just repeat the same pattern over and over again. 

There is no hope for them, but there is so much hope for you if you can escape and start to rebuild your self-worth and take back your life again!

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 17th April!

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More Flashacks

Across my social media accounts, each week I share a ‘Song of the Week’ which inspires or resonates with me. The latest ‘Song of the Week’ is Broken by Isak Danielson, and I chose this song for a reason. As I said in my last post, I found my old journal from 2010 and I couldn’t believe the realization that I was suffering narcissistic abuse so badly back then and still remained with my ex-partner for a further 10 years, which allowed him to destroy my sense of self and self-esteem over and over again. 

The extract I have chosen to share today is from June 2010 and shows the extent to which I could see what was happening, and yet still remained, because I was being constantly ‘gaslit’ and dominated. Looking back now, I so wish I had left that man then. 

“Tuesday, 14th of December, 2010.

I realized over the weekend what is at the heart of all of this. It was such a huge realisation when it hit me – and yet it shouldn’t have been really, mainly because all the counselling and working on myself has been leading me to this. I just never expected to have the answer thrust into my face with such clarity and so suddenly! 

After reading some of a self-help book, I asked myself what I was getting from remaining in poor mental health. I obviously thought I was getting nothing from it. However, when I really delved into it – I saw that if I go to bed because I’m scared to face life, I am avoiding something very strong and close at hand. 

What I get out of it is not being expected to take responsibility for everything all the time, not being criticised and belittled and never being good enough. That stopped me from trying because I had realised that no matter how hard I tried, it would never be good enough. 

I realised that my partner treats me like a naughty child when it suits him, but as an adult when he wants something or has responsibilities which he always expects me to deal with. 

I have been made to feel that I have no choices anymore and the power and control of my own life have been taken away from me. In short, I am not allowed to just ‘be myself’ because it doesn’t suit what my partner wants me to be. This has decimated and destroyed me. My self-esteem, confidence and sense of who I am have been very badly damaged by this.

If you are in a situation like this and your intuition is telling you to escape, please get out for your own well-being. This is YOUR life and does not belong to a monster who tortures your every waking moment! 

As my ‘Song of the Week’ says, please don’t lie to yourself and spend years hoping that he/ she will change. This is impossible, because Narcissists and Sociopaths have personality disorders. They have no maturity and will NEVER move beyond a place of cruelty towards you, who they should see as their best friend. Please don’t spend the best years of your life with this person. They will just repeat the same pattern over and over again. 

There is no hope for them, but there is so much hope for you if you can escape and start to rebuild your self-worth and take back your life again!

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Next post will be published on Saturday 13th April!

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Journal from 2010!

This week I found an old journal which I was encouraged to keep by a counsellor to express my feelings, even if it was only on paper because at the time I was so ‘shut down’. After a few sessions with this counsellor telling her about my life, she told me that it is often the partner who wants you to get help which is the cause of your depression and anxiety in these cases. 

This is because these people are narcissists and can only feel their own selfish needs and are totally ‘unaware’ of the effect they are having on your mental health.

When I opened my journal, I couldn’t believe it when I saw that I had written it in 2010!!!

It is also painfully clear now. Clarity comes so easily in retrospect. I can see how he was ‘dragging me down’ constantly, in so many different ways. All the well-known phrases that I now understand, such as ‘love-bombing’, ‘gaslighting’ and ‘red flags’ are very obvious in my journal. 

If only I had left then, it would have helped me to heal so much sooner and not continue to exist in the nightmare that had become my life. 

If I may, I would like to share with you just one day from that journal, which I have picked randomly and was written all those years ago. 

“Tuesday, 14th of December, 2010.

Spoke to [my partner] last night about how he seems to think other people are only there for his benefit. He just doesn’t want to hear it and he certainly doesn’t get it. I reminded him this morning that he actually used to acknowledge that he was being selfish when we first got together and would always promise to change and be less self-centred. The episodes of this kind of behaviour have become more and more common, and the gaps between them are barely noticeable anymore. [My partner] certainly doesn’t acknowledge being self-centred or apologise the way he used to. This has become the norm. My life has shut down. I feel worthless and not valued. My confidence is gone from constant criticism and domination. I have no control over my life or anything around me. It’s horrible to see what my life has come to. I used to be so outgoing and bubbly. Not anymore.”

There is so much more included in this journal which details exactly how he had broken me down until I had extreme anxiety and clinical depression. 

If you have a choice, DO NOT remain with someone who treats you this way, hoping that one day they will ‘see the light’ and change for the better. They ARE and ALWAYS WILL BE narcissists. They have a personality disorder and do not own a conscience. They have dark, dark souls and do not care about the damage they do to those closest to them! 

All those years and all that time wasted, ‘my years’ and ‘my time’.

Please don’t follow my example and stay. I can now see so clearly how so many years of my life were destroyed by this man. 

Please do not let this happen to you! If you have a choice, get and stay out.

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 10th April!

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A Retrospective View

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about how and why I let my ex-partner drag me down to such a poor state of mind. 

I’ve often heard people say “How can anyone let someone do that to them? How can they put up with that? I’d be out of the door straight away!”

But those kinds of voices and thoughts are all based on ignorance as to how these things actually happen. 

It’s not the case that you suddenly find yourself in the clutches of someone who behaves that way towards you from day one. 

At the start of this type of abusive relationship, your partner is ‘love-bombing’ you, ‘mirroring’ and copying all of your likes and dislikes. They will profess undying love for you very quickly, make you beautiful meals, take you out and show you off and put you on a pedestal of adoration. This all happens very quickly, so that you will think you have met your soulmate and  the person you were always destined to be with. 

This period may last a couple of years and they will try to convince you that previous partners have been crazy and had lots of problems before they met. While you are experiencing this ‘honeymoon’ period, you will try to persuade yourself that perhaps things will be different with you and that you were always meant to be together. 

Sadly, this is not the case and never will be. These people have personality disorders and the real reason they haven’t been able to maintain enduring relationships is a lot darker. My ex-partner told me his previous partners were all of these things at the beginning.

Although I found this hard to believe, I did try to convince myself that things would be different with me.

For those of you who have read my previous blog posts, you will know just how far I was ‘dragged down’ I was by who I thought was my ‘Knight in shining armour’. In reality, he very slowly and gradually turned into my ‘worst nightmare’ come true. 

When I look back now, it all seems so clear to me, but at the time I was so happy that someone could love me so very very much. 

Once the ‘mask’ of deception began to slip, however, I started to recognise the ‘red flags; which I had earlier glossed over, or made excuses for. He was always controlling, even from the start but he used to do it in a seemingly protective way. Once the ‘mask’ started slipping, however, suddenly the things that he used to love about me became the things that irritated him or he found stupid and annoying. All the nice things he used to do and taking me out stopped and anything I made or did for him was met with derision and contempt. 

I genuinely wanted him to be my ’ forever’ person, but in reality that was never going to happen. 

When someone starts out ‘love-bombing’ you and then being controlling, these are red flags NEVER to be ignored because they will ultimately lead to the destruction of your self-worth, self-belief and any shred of confidence you ever had. These things take a LONG time to build back up again and you will have a lot of work to do on yourself to recognize that you do have a voice once more and you are allowed to speak up. 

Even leaving is a nightmare for so many people because of financial restraints and/or possibly children being involved. Extracting yourself from someone who has long since lost interest in you is incredibly difficult. 

However, there is a light at the end of what can turn out to be a very dark tunnel. After a few months of being away from your partner’s constant criticism and judgment, chinks of light and hope will start to appear in your life once again. Grab hold of these ‘tiny acorns’ and from them ‘Great Oaks’ will replace all the negativity you were forced to endure. 

Always, always protect and believe in yourself! You are special, you are unique and you will find the light in your life once again!

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 27th March!

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To Hell and Back

So, following on from my blog on Wednesday about my car, I suppose I should elaborate on my response to the horrendous state that my ex-partner and his new ‘victim’ have left it in. 

I sent him a WhatsApp message listing all the damage they had done and the filthy state they left my car in. 

No reply from him. To be honest, I never expected any apology from him, but I just wanted to let him know just exactly how disgusting my car was when I eventually got it back. 

My concern now is the filthy state they will leave my house and garden in when it goes to court and I hopefully get justice and recompense for all the long years and money that I put into it. 

Well, in this case my solicitor has assured me that anything which is damaged, removed or detracts from the value of the house will have to be paid for by him. We have the pictures a brochure of all the rooms and the garden before he changed his mind AGAIN and said he didn’t want to sell. So he won’t be able to avoid that catastrophe at least.

I have never named this man in my blog for legal reasons, but at least the “forced sale” process has now begun and he cannot prevent it. 

It’s very hard when you have loved and lived with someone for so many years to know that they see you as totally irrelevant.

However, I am so much happier now and working towards getting all my mobility back. I exercise every day and it’s hard, but after all those years of hell and surviving that 50 foot fall, I know that I can accomplish anything. 

When you have been to hell, there is only one way to go and that is up!! You can regain your strength and will, and when you do, you won’t let anything stand in your way!!

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 20th March!

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Only Fit for the Scrap Heap

Following on from my last blog, I have to say that with all the medication the vet has given her, Twiglet is so much brighter. She’s eating and drinking again and being her “bubbly” little self. So I’m hoping she will be well enough for surgery in a week or so 🤞

As for the main subject of my blog, I mentioned last week that I went to my house to collect my furniture and belongings which included my Peugeot car. Well, Monday was the first time I was able to walk far enough to the rear of the car park where I live (because of my injuries) to take a look at it. 

OMG! I was absolutely horrified! I have never seen such a badly damaged and filthy car in my life unless it was in a scrap yard.

Almost every external panel, including the front and rear of the car, is badly damaged. Then I opened the door to look inside. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw how disgusting it was internally. Everything is absolutely filthy with ground in dirt and dog hairs everywhere. There were scratches all over it. The automatic sliding roof no longer works and it has a completely redundant battery. Even the central locking is broken.

I am disgusted that when I left the car, It was in pristine condition and now it is only fit for the scrapheap. I couldn’t believe that when I said my ex-partner could “use” my car, I didn’t mean he could fraudulently sign it over to himself and then go on to destroy it. 

A reputable garage locally told me that it would be too expensive to repair and make good all the damage they have done to it and that it would cost a lot more than the car is worth after being treated so badly. 

It is not bad enough that my ex-partner forged my signature, signing it over to himself and making his new partner the main driver while I was still very ill in hospital. He has gone on to treat it like a heap of garbage. He’s destroyed it, the way he did me, like a piece of old rubbish. 

Even if he hadn’t destroyed my lovely car, he has committed fraud against me and I have proof of this. 

I am beyond disgusted as I have been in and out of hospital for the last 2 years and was too unwell until now to retrieve both my car and my belongings. 

Well, I’m back now, thanks to escaping from him and having such incredible love and support from my daughter. I am getting stronger every day and I am now capable of standing my ground! 

He genuinely deserves the storm that is finally coming his way and he hasn’t got a clue because he is such a habitual liar and narcissist that he thinks he’s above the law. Well, the house is half mine and I have proof of all my payments into the mortgage, plus bills and groceries etc. 

‘Happy Days’ may be a long way off, but they’ll come and I’m determined to stand my ground now! He’s a walking disgrace and he has no shame!!

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Next post will be published on Saturday 16th March!

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My Little Pal Tiny Twiglet

The latter part of this week has been hard because my tiny 2-pound chihuahua “Twiglet” became very ill and couldn’t eat or drink anything.

Those of you who know of her, as I’ve mentioned her in my blog before, will remember that she was with me throughout a lot of my previous abusive relationship. So you will know what a sweet, loyal and protective little dog she is. 

Well, she has a gall bladder full of sludge and we had to rush her up to a specialist vet in Naas who did all possible tests, ultrasound etc. 

He said she is too sick to be operated on now to safely remove her gall bladder, but with a lot of medicine she might be well enough in a week or so to go through surgery. 

When I think of all the trauma she went through with me, trying to protect me every time my ex-partner came near me, it never fails to amaze me just how very loyal dogs are and how they will try to protect you, no matter how tiny they are! 

Well, thank goodness my narcissistic ex-partner has not been in contact, so there’s always a bright side. 🌞

Right now, my concern is with tiny Twiglet who deserves some peace and love in her life after all this time, a bit like me I suppose.

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Next post will be published on Wednesday 13th March!

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Darkness into Light

It’s been quiet so far this week, thank goodness! I just need a break from all the drama.

I’ve been focusing on my health and practising my walking. 

I’ve also been thinking a lot about how those 15 years of hell have affected me. I was so strong when it began but very gradually but surely, he broke me down to a shadow of my former self. 

I realise that I should have left him when I became clinically depressed. However, I’ve been told by a counsellor that it is often your partner who encourages you to get help who is the person responsible for your depression.

This is so true when I look back. Please, for your own sake, when you start to feel that you are going into a downward spiral, never ignore the reason why! This is a massive “red flag” and the damage they do to you stays with you for years. Very often you blame yourself and don’t think of how unloved, ignored and abused you were by the person you loved the most. It’s very hard to get past this trauma and it makes it extremely hard to want to get involved in another relationship because you don’t know if you can ever trust or even want to get close to anyone ever again. 

When I look back now at the last few years I spent living with my ex partner, I realize that he spent a lot of time going over to the new neighbour’s house instead of spending any time with me. 

I am fairly sure that this is where he met his new partner as she came from the same area in the UK and often visited them. 

I wish her luck because she is certainly going to need it!

I will never forget all the lies and the terrible things he said to me once he had broken me down.

But this is no longer the case. My daughter has supported me in every way possible and just seeing her happy smiling face when she comes through the door fills me with happiness. 

Please NEVER allow anyone to do this kind of damage to you. I would have preferred to have black eyes and broken bones going into work because once someone has taken your mental health away, it takes so much longer to heal. The pain you feel is at times unbearable and you are flooded with anxiety (especially if you are an empath). When he told me one day that he simply doesn’t think about us anymore, I couldn’t comprehend how you can just block out 15 years of your life. But then again, I am not a “narcissistic sociopath”, so I am glad that I can’t understand why or how people can do that because that would mean I am like him, totally selfish and not care a jot about others. As a teacher of many years, adults, those with special needs, emotional and behavioural difficulties, and teenagers, I always cared about each and every one of those I taught.

I am now reclaiming my life and when my daughter asks why I don’t hate him, I tell her it’s because I don’t want a heart full of hate and I will have only positive things in my life from now on. I will never give in to the darkness again. I pity those who have it in them because they can never feel real, deep and meaningful love.

“The light inside you will always outshine the darkness.”

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Next post will be published on Saturday 9th of March!

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